This Is Me

Today was the first day since Steve died that I’ve been able to drive home from somewhere I’d driven to. Up till now, I’ve made the outward trip (even small ones like into town) and had to ask somebody else to drive home. I don’t go anywhere by myself because I never know when I will lose the plot or, more commonly, just plain run out of steam. At those times, I just don’t feel safe driving. I’m afraid of being stuck somewhere alone when I find myself unable to cope. So I don’t go alone.

Tonight, I’m missing Steve desperately. I’m sitting here with tears drying on my cheeks and a lump still stuck in my throat. I think today was tough emotionally because the town we visited (a 1 1/2 hour drive away) was a place Steve and I spent a couple nights in at the end of our honeymoon. The drive there was a familiar one I’ve done quite a few times–in a big, honkin’ truck–and today I would’ve given anything to be able to do just one more truck trip with my love.


31 Comments (+add yours?)

  1. Anonymous
    Apr 11, 2008 @ 21:39:22

    Please know that we in cyberspace who don’t know you are praying for you. I am glad to see today’s post because it gives me an idea of what you are going through and I feel like I can pray very specifically. (((((HUGS)))))Laura


  2. Celine
    Apr 11, 2008 @ 22:20:30

    Kristy,Still thinking of you very much.Hang in there sweetie.Sending lots and lots of positive thoughts your way.


  3. Stitchingmum
    Apr 11, 2008 @ 22:36:39

    I’d be there in a jiff if I could to wrap my arms around you, even though I know it probably wouldn’t make a squat of difference right now. Embrace your memories of Steve as God embraces you through this pain. See you Sunday for that hug xxoo


  4. Anonymous
    Apr 11, 2008 @ 23:07:50

    We’re still praying for you and thinking of you each day. Thanks for the update. I’ve been wondering how you were doing. Your brother, Jason Cagle


  5. GinnyBerry
    Apr 11, 2008 @ 23:10:02

    I’ll be praying for you too. I can’t imagine the pain you are in right now. I can tell you that I remember when I lost my baby son at two weeks old, I felt like my soul had been ripped with a knife. That was in 1990. I can tell you that for me, even though the sadness will always be there, time heals. And I do know that my son is in heaven with the Lord. GinnyberrySouthern California


  6. Karen L
    Apr 11, 2008 @ 23:27:13

    Hi Kristy – you don’t know me personally but I just want you to know that not one days goes by that we aren’t praying for you here, and we will continue to keep praying for you for a long time to come.


  7. april penny
    Apr 11, 2008 @ 23:54:27

    Still praying and thinking of you.


  8. a woman found
    Apr 11, 2008 @ 23:57:43

    Kristy, the Lord doesn’t let you go in my heart. Many times He whishpers, “Don’t forget Kristy.” In the middle of the day to day Jesus’ heart is beating for you, His beloved. The Lover of your soul is touching me and many more saying, “Remember my love Kristy.”You’re being held in indescribable way and oh how I pray you FEEL that comfort as your heart throbs and aches in grief.I look for you daily and am so glad your letting us share with you in this time and accept our feeble attempts to sent you our sincere comfort and love across the web. I guess the Spirit in us knows no distance and draws us close. When one part of the body hurts, we all hurt.HUGE HUGS!!!Sheila


  9. lauren clark
    Apr 11, 2008 @ 23:58:44

    Kristy, is there anything you need? A good book, a pile of movies, a comforting cd of songs? Let me know if you need anything to calm your mind or take your mind off of these awful times.


  10. tootie
    Apr 12, 2008 @ 00:12:55

    I still pray for you every day! I wish there was something more I could do.A big hug,Tootie


  11. Redeemed
    Apr 12, 2008 @ 00:34:05

    Kristy,You are so loved!! Even by those who don’t know you, or don’t know you well (me!)–God’s love for you is so evident in the outpouring of love His people have for you. PLEASE let us know if there is anything we can do for you!*HUGS*Joy


  12. Deb
    Apr 12, 2008 @ 01:35:54

    Kristy,I don’t know you personally, but was let know by a friend what had happened and asked to be praying for you. Please be assured that I’m keeping you in my prayers daily and will continue to do so. I can only imagine what you are going through right now, but I do know for a fact that our Lord is far big enough to wrap His arms around and comfort you. I wish that I could give you one personally, but since I can’t, I’ll have to send you some through CyberSpace. X X X X X X X X Hang in there! The future may seem impossible right now, but everyone is praying for you and nothing is impossible with Jesus!Deb from Michigan


  13. Kelly @ Wisdom Begun
    Apr 12, 2008 @ 02:48:20

    I can only imagine how hard things are for you right now. I am still continuing to pray.Love,your sis in ChristKelly


  14. Keziah
    Apr 12, 2008 @ 04:12:47

    Still praying for you.Lots of love,Keziah


  15. Ohilda
    Apr 12, 2008 @ 04:35:09

    Praying and thinking about you daily in Florida.Ohilda


  16. Robyn
    Apr 12, 2008 @ 06:17:26

    I can only imagine how incredibly painful it must be to get up each morning and pick up the pieces. I’m so sorry. I’m praying for you often during each day.


  17. nicole
    Apr 12, 2008 @ 06:31:04

    Bravo! You can be proud of yourself!We are keeping you tight in our thoughts and hearths…


  18. Mandy Owens
    Apr 12, 2008 @ 11:13:58

    hey girl. this post makes my heart so heavy for you, but at the same time it’s good to hear something from you. i’m sorry you’re having such a tough night… wish there was something, anything, i could do to help. 😦 i love you, and i keep on praying!


  19. Mrs. Walker
    Apr 12, 2008 @ 12:20:37

    Still praying for you, Kristy. Turn to the Lord–His love will keep you through these hard days. ((((HUGS))))


  20. Anonymous
    Apr 12, 2008 @ 12:44:52

    I am so sorry for what you have experienced. My heart goes out to you. You may think this is crazy but when my father died, what helped me was reading books by John Edward, the medium. If you think this is crazy, I apologize. But if you are open to it, it really helped me come to peace a bit more. Take care.


  21. Anonymous
    Apr 12, 2008 @ 12:45:49

    And, ironically, as I write this and read your blog, I just realized since you are in Australia, it is April 12th already, the day my dad died 6 years ago.


  22. Anonymous
    Apr 12, 2008 @ 13:12:47

    Kristy, i miss steve too, the pain i have is nothing you are going through, i wish i could do more for you. Your friends are there for you, who love you and ache for you. hope you continue to stick around in the mt. love you girl


  23. Anonymous
    Apr 12, 2008 @ 13:25:23

    Hi Kristy,I was feeling and remembering lots of things on our trip together yesterday. I miss Stephen terribly too, know that Dad and I are praying for you lots too and are always there for you.Love your other Mum.


  24. EllieNat
    Apr 12, 2008 @ 14:23:49

    So sorry for you terrible loss.


  25. izitjo
    Apr 12, 2008 @ 20:16:34

    Your ‘every day life’ tag was a bit of a heart breaker to see on this post my friend. We can only hope for you that there will be small rays of warm sun breaking through the dark heavy clouds now and then. Even if they are the little things like the peace and beauty of your space out there, the hugs (and comments) of those that care and making that ‘drive home’ yourself.


  26. Anonymous
    Apr 13, 2008 @ 00:58:20

    I don’t know you but I am still praying for you. The drive home was a big step! It may seem small, but it’s big. I pray that you can have a sign. Just a little moment of Steve’s presence and comfort. A certain song on the radio, a breeze in the trees, a laugh from a child, a smile on a dog…Something to remind you that his soul is still alive and with God and that they are both watching over you. -Maryann


  27. M. C. Pearson
    Apr 13, 2008 @ 08:57:46

    Thinking and praying for you daily. Just wanted you to know.Sending you many virtual hugs.


  28. Patricia
    Apr 13, 2008 @ 09:26:57

    Kristy,We are still praying for you my dear.Patricia in Ontario Canada


  29. Anonymous
    Apr 14, 2008 @ 17:31:13

    Kristy, I am yet another that does not know you, yet as a sister in Christ I am praying for you often. As I was thinking of you the other day a verse was highlighted to me from Phillipians 4:6-8Be anxious for nothing, but in everything by prayer and supplication, with thanksgiving, let your requests be made known to God; <>and the peace of God, which <>surpasses all understanding<><>, will guard your hearts and minds through Christ Jesus.God’s peace <>can and will<> surpass all understanding. I pray that it does so for you, and that you are wrapped in His care and comforted. God Bless you,Samalah


  30. Tonails
    Apr 14, 2008 @ 19:35:01

    As life goes on in my part of the world you are still thought of and prayed for often.Still (somewhat) feeling your pain.Hang in there, you’re very special to alot of people.Lots of LOVE and HUGS.Tonails.


  31. Anonymous
    Apr 14, 2008 @ 20:28:16

    Dear Kristy,I pray for you and think of you always….Thank you for sharing your thoughts and feelings when you are in the valleys….May God uphold you and raise you up….Love always, Monica from Craigmore


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