Not So Fun

Although it was hush-hush, many people probably know that I’m in Adelaide at the moment. I came over with my in-laws yesterday and we go back tomorrow. For anybody who didn’t know, the reason it was quiet is that I’m not “open to the public”. We’re here for my mother-in-law’s graduation from a four-year professional writing course.

This is the first time that I’ve been back since Steve died and it’s been way, way harder than I expected so I’m glad that I didn’t make plans in advance. I’ve done even less than the little I’d hoped to do.

When I got here, every bit of me just didn’t want to be here in this house. Thankfully, my parents aren’t taking that personally! I had tea with my in-laws at Miriam and Brad’s (Steve’s sister and her husband) where my brother was going to pick me up to go see my new nephew. I ended up getting all panicky and Peter and Anita (in-laws) brought me back out (not a short drive). I managed to see Caleb and briefly hold him twice but since I felt shaky I wasn’t confident to keep him long. Anybody who knows me knows that usually you need a crowbar to get a baby back from me! So I was disappointed about that and frustrated to be such a nuisance again, although everybody was so wonderful and gracious and happy to see me.

In spite of being very tired after a late (but good) night with friends the night before, I couldn’t sleep till nearly 3am this morning. That was after going to bed just after 10pm and finding that I hadn’t calmed down as much as I thought. It never crossed my mind that I might be unable to sleep here. I ended up getting up and sitting in the lounge with my parents. I so desperately wanted to go home. My mum and I ended up just sleeping in there.

I’d previously decided I wasn’t going to church here this trip as there are way too many people that haven’t seen me yet and I just can’t cope with that much newness as well as a crowd (big church). Mum stayed home with me and we went to the shops for a short while but didn’t stay long as I didn’t want to meet anybody I knew and was quite on edge about that.

This last week had been quite the contrary. I hadn’t been panicky and anxious at all except for a brief patch on Friday afternoon about coming to Adelaide. To have a week with a few outings that I survived without panic or anxiety was such a good feeling. To feel ‘normal’ physically for a few consecutive days was so relieving. I was quite depressed and very lonely at heart (though not alone) all week but ‘enjoyed’ the lack of anxiety. So to have this truck-load dumped on me this weekend is very disheartening but not unexpected.

At lunchtime, I was wondering how on earth I was going to make it through today and tomorrow until I could go home tomorrow night. It seemed like an eternity away. I’m a bit better tonight and hopefully I will get some sleep. Also hopefully, the next time will be easier.

I got to see my nephew again tonight and I lasted. I got a sweet 30-40 minute hold of him before we decided to leave before getting kicked out. I’m under special allowances to break the visiting hours rule since I’m not coping so well. I wish I could take Caleb home–I would never be bored. I told Mel to FedEx him down if she needs a break. πŸ™‚ He’s so entertaining to watch, even in his sleep. I’ve nicknamed him my little crabapple. If you could see some of the facial expressions he pulled for me, you’d understand why. Michael took a picture of me holding him last night and I even look normal (apart from the get-up his mother-in-law put on me!) so I will try and post that soon.

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9 Comments (+add yours?)

  1. izitjo
    May 04, 2008 @ 22:11:44

    So sorry to hear that you’ve had such a difficult weekend. I guess it was another of those steps back in your progress forward. It is good that you got to see Caleb and your MIL’s graduation though!! I’ll keep you in my thoughts and prayers til you’re home again, and beyond.Love, Jo xo

    Reply

  2. Matt
    May 04, 2008 @ 22:25:26

    The fact that you’ve been prepared and able to make the trip back home shows that you’re making good progress. Sure there will be days when it all seems impossibly hard but, so far you are doing great all things considered!!! We look forward to seeing you when you get back!

    Reply

  3. Lizzie
    May 04, 2008 @ 23:00:42

    You’re making steps in the right direction, and that’s really important πŸ™‚The professional writing course? This wouldn’t happen to be via the AIT Arts Centre (TAFE) would it? I ask because *I* just finished the Professional Writing course via those guys last year – that graduation ceremony would have been something I attended!Thinking of you often,Lizziehttp://lizzieshome.comhttp://whisperofgrace.blogspot.com/

    Reply

  4. Mum
    May 05, 2008 @ 10:06:36

    Kristy, you’ve done great! It has been mammoth hard and we appreciate that… you are facing giants all the time but keep conquering and you WILL get victory. We are praying for you and know you are stretching yourself heaps. Keep it up. HE is walking with you all the way and we are there for you. Love you lots xxxxxxxx

    Reply

  5. Anonymous
    May 05, 2008 @ 10:54:11

    Hi Kristy!I wanted to share with you that our preacher preached tonight on joy and one thing he mentioned was joy through trials. He said that he thought God let us go through certain trials so that He (God) might be glorified and that His greatness would be magnified. He said that in trials, a Christian would have something that a nonChristian wouldn’t have. Unsaved people would look at that person and want what that person has. That even through those trials we have joy in the Lord. I hope I am not being insensitive. I know your pain is excruciating but I was hoping that this would be encouraging somehow to you. As soon as our pastor started preaching about trials, I thought of what you are going through and I wanted to share that. I pray for you daily. HUGS!!!Laura πŸ™‚

    Reply

  6. Anonymous
    May 05, 2008 @ 13:28:41

    Yep.Keep walking.Troy

    Reply

  7. Sherrin
    May 05, 2008 @ 20:34:13

    Hello Kristy,Thanks for sharing how you are going. My sister read your story via my blog and started crying. Now my Mum is praying for you as well.Please don’t push yourself. As I’m sure you know, grief takes time! It would be far more concerning if you were “just fine” right now. It must be really frustrating to be experiencing these anxieties, but try to go easy on yourself as much as possible.Any words we can say are so inadequate, so I’ll stop here and just say that I’m praying for you!love from Sherrin.

    Reply

  8. sara
    May 06, 2008 @ 13:55:57

    it is nice to know how much Mt gambier means ‘home’ to you kristy. you are a big part of our ‘family’ now and we love you for it. your still steppn out the small stuff great!! love always, sara xoxox

    Reply

  9. Robyn
    May 07, 2008 @ 18:38:47

    Wow, thats a pretty big step….I’m continuing to pray for you. I’m glad you got some Caleb cuddles in πŸ™‚

    Reply

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