About Being Alone

This morning, I was thinking about being alone and wondering why it’s such a big deal. People tell me to ask myself what is the worst that can happen and I try to talk some sense into myself. It doesn’t often do a lot of good. I’m just really afraid.

Today, for the first time ever (in the shower of all places), it dawned on me that Steve died alone. The only boat trip he took alone that day was the one that took his life. And I came to the conclusion that I’m sure that’s been a big part of it.

I realised the “alone” part of it all along and it makes me angry that that one trip was the ONLY one that whole day where he didn’t have one or more people with him. It just never dawned on me that, in a similar way, many of my fears revolve around being alone. I’m terrified that something might happen. Why wouldn’t it be pointless telling myself that nothing will happen when, on the most perfect and expected-to-be-uneventful day, my husband drowned and left me forever?

It made a LOT of sense to me and my fears feel a lot more validated even than they have to this point. I can’t give in to them but at least there is some kind of sense/reasoning behind them.

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7 Comments (+add yours?)

  1. Stitchingmum
    May 11, 2008 @ 22:20:49

    ((((Hugs))))) sweet girl xxoo

    Reply

  2. Sharon
    May 12, 2008 @ 07:07:13

    I’m praying for you!

    Reply

  3. Anonymous
    May 12, 2008 @ 10:09:30

    I understand what you’re saying. Also, I wanted to add that man was not meant to be alone. God created you to be Stephen’s helpmeet. It’s natural that you are “lost.” But God is still with you. Praying for you!!!!! HUGS!!!!Laura

    Reply

  4. sara
    May 12, 2008 @ 18:43:41

    as humans we aren’t really good at being alone, are we?? i know I’m certainly not-just ask anyone who knows me!! i think you are totally ‘normal’ in this matter. i know for me, being along gives you time to think about everything and anything, and we often don’t like to do that. i guess at some time or another we have to be alone with ourselves, no matter how hard that may be, to ‘face life head on’. I’m certainly not saying that its easy, but with each other, we can face tomorrow knowing that there is a tomorrow for us. you are doing a great job, getting stronger everyday. Steve will never be forgotten even though we are trying to move on, he would’ve wanted it that way. love and hugs, small steps, Sara. xoxoxo

    Reply

  5. Robyn
    May 13, 2008 @ 14:07:18

    Makes sense to me. Kristy, do you have friends that you are able to talk about this stuff to, or would you consider seeing a counsellor or psychologist? I’m not implying AT ALL that there is anything abnormal in what you are experiencing, I think your grief and the feeling you’re having are totally justified. I just wonder if it might make life easier for you if you did have somebody professional to talk to. My husband is a psychologist and I know he does a lot of grief counselling and encourages people with healthy ways of coping and working through their grief. I’m praying for you.

    Reply

  6. april penny
    May 15, 2008 @ 03:37:26

    That does make a lot of sense.

    Reply

  7. Anonymous
    May 18, 2008 @ 16:15:41

    Hello sunshine. There’s a little ray of sunshine breaking through, and its good to see you smiling. I dont doubt you will find the right house mate. I just hope they can cook! ha! whatever you are feeling, i am sure is normal, even when you think its not. What really satisfies the criteria of being normal anyway! just keep placing one foot in front of the other, breathe and sip on some tea, breathe and take another step. Whatever you have to do, do it, no matter when you need a friend, just call us! love you lots, Trac

    Reply

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