Me & God (Yes, I Know That’s Bad Grammar)

For Troy H πŸ™‚

I’m still struggling with the whole God thing. Yes, I know He’s there. Yes, I believe in Him. Yes, I still count myself as a follower of Christ. Yes, I think He’s the only way to heaven and everybody needs to believe that. Yes, I want people to turn to God and am glad when they do.


I just can’t reconcile my theology. My life feels like a cyclical journey of “the Lord gives, the Lord takes away, the Lord gives, the Lord takes away”. I’m really weary of the whole “the Lord takes away” thing. Every time I feel like the Lord gives something that makes the Lord taking something worthwhile, He seems to take that away, too. I just wonder if it ever ends. Then I wonder if I should feel like that. I wonder if it’s wrong to even expect to get to keep good things. However, it is specifically told to us in Job that his “latter end” was better than his beginning and his material/physical blessings are clearly spelled out.

So I don’t know. I’m really stranded between knowing I need God in order to get through this but wondering what He might require of me next. I know that shows a really wrong understanding of God’s character but I really don’t know how to get around it. It wasn’t brought on by this; only accentuated by it.

People can talk till they’re blue in the face but you can’t make somebody “know”. I’m grateful that the people around here are pretty cool with that. They understand why I think and feel the way I do and they’re ok with it. That’s not to say they necessarily feel the same or that they don’t say anything to the contrary. They just know that I’ll be ok. They’re happy that I’m being honest and they just tell me that God is big enough to deal with it and will still be there waiting when I get back.

An e-mail I cried over yesterday said:

I still see God in you as I did then, I still see your push/pull relationship with Him, how much you desperately ‘want Him back’ as you knew Him before, but what that’s taking for you to even
*want* to be able to do that ATM. I, and as you know, many others, are praying for you *always* for your relationship with God, and I see those prayers being answered every time I see you. … You have *such* deep, quiet strength, grace and courage, and are such an inspiration to me everyday. I know you don’t agree, and will tell me you don’t see it, but it is there. The fact you can give so much of yourself when you feel you’ve lost everything is testament to who God has made you to be, and I have absolutely no doubt that He is with you *all* the time, whether you like it or not. You are so precious to me, and to all of us who love you, you are most definitely here for a reason, and I for one am incredibly grateful for that.

I’m just grateful God’s letting everybody else do the work for me at the moment because I cannot muster up anything more than that. I still go to church and house church; talk about Him and let others talk about Him and pray. I still read pretty much only Christian books and especially anything that might give me some answers from somebody who knows what it’s like. He just feels like a friend I’ve had a fight with. Not an enemy; not somebody I never want to see again; just somebody I’m really hurt by, really ‘ticked’ by, and not really wanting to go out of my way to see…

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16 Comments (+add yours?)

  1. Stitchingmum
    May 21, 2008 @ 11:52:12

    ‘Jesus loves YOUThis I knowFor the Bible tells me soLittle ones to Him belongThey are weakBut He is STRONG’His strength will keep you going beautiful girl, keep us all going with you xxoo

    Reply

  2. Anonymous
    May 21, 2008 @ 12:06:49

    Hi Sweetie, I am so sorry if I wrote something that could of hurt your heart. Even though you and I are going through the same thing, we are dealing with it in two different ways. I really need to pray more and seek more wisdom before I leave you more comments. Please know how sorry I am sweetie. I would NEVER hurt you on purpose. I am praying God’s will for you though.Love you dearly,Josephinehttp://www.homeschoolblogger.com/dixiecajuns

    Reply

  3. TEXAUS MOMMA
    May 21, 2008 @ 12:48:33

    Thanks for posting that, sis…love ya, praying for ya…You’ll make it…you’re a special sister…

    Reply

  4. Jewelz
    May 21, 2008 @ 13:13:12

    Hey,Thanks for being honest.I love you heaps, and I’m continuing to pray for you.

    Reply

  5. 5purposedriven
    May 21, 2008 @ 13:16:02

    I’m in a situation where sometimes the hopelessness and increasing “taking away” is more than my human spirit can bear. Last year, I told God I’d had it. I went to Willow Creek and the topic: hope. I didn’t really know what practicality that word really held. I certainly didn’t hold it up there with “there abides these three, faith, hope, and love.”In that conference, I watched how a young couple gave birth to multiples, and one was born deaf. They shared the multiple surgies, a move from Australia here to a church to minister, and away from all support. They were exhausted in every way. And at the end, they showed the day when a miricle happened…some surgery restored speech/hearing to this little toddler and for the first time, I saw that Daddy say “I love you” to that child and saw the child literally light up.I wept like there was no tomorrow. I literally stumbled out of the auditorium needing Kleenex Ultra. This older gentlemen was an usher and went to look for something for me. He finally said, “I didn’t see any, but you just take this and keep it.” It was his own hanky.I ended up straightening up and didn’t get it that dirty. I went back to return it as I was from out of town. He said, “No, you keep that as a momento of this time.”That got me again. God said, “You need to remember hope…what it feels like. What it does. What I do. It may not be for you…but it’s there, working, inspiring.”Prior to that day, I remember the thought, “Hope is like a butterfly, you see it light for a moment, then before you can grab the camera, it’s flown away. You can’t hold onto it, or track it down, or make it land again where you saw it last. It’s beautiful, it catches your breath, then it’s gone.”I kid you not…butterflies began to attack me that whole summer. They swarmed me. I’d be cleaning out the skimmer at the pool, and they would come sit by me and stay there. It was the craziest thing. God knows we need hope restored to breath. To move. To endure. My circumstances did not change, and peole around me still suffer. But, I had a reprieve. He let me catch my breath. Sometimes, that’s all I can ask for. Lord, just help me breathe. I need rest. I need recovery. And He will. I waited for months for the sense of breathing…of weight lifting, but it came. I don’t know you, but I love your heart and your authenticity.

    Reply

  6. Anonymous
    May 21, 2008 @ 13:58:00

    Kristy, Thank you for your honesty about “you & God.” I was just reading to the family the story of Mary, Martha, Lazarus & Jesus, and the thing that stood out to me was, in spite of the circumstances, Jesus wanted to know where the sisters were in their level of faith. Jesus told Martha, Thy brother shall rise again, to which she replied, I know he will rise again at the resurrection at the last day, and Jesus said, “I am the resurrection and the life.” You have a lot in common with those two sisters. They were disheartened and troubled, and had just experienced the death of someone very close to them. But even in this Jesus didn’t immediately go and raise Lazarus from the dead. He wanted to know if the sisters believed. The Resurrection and the Life was in in their very midst, and they didn’t seem to get that. Jesus Himself, the all-powerful God, was right there with them, yet they couldn’t seem to get their focus off the circumstances and onto Him. I cannot say I know exactly what you’re going through. I have been through at least one very hard time and all I could do was hold on to God. In the end, with a lot of prayers from others, He brought me through and now I am able to love Him more freely. Kristy, your faith IS being severely tested now. You must go back to what you know way down deep, the things you know are true about God’s character. I know you have experienced much heartache. God knows even better than I do. He cared about Job, He really did, even though He allowed Job to be severely tried. There is one verse that I’ve thought about several times in regard to you and your situation-Romans 8:28-“And we know that all things work together for good to them that love God, to them that are the called according to his purpose.” The question is, do you really believe that? I know your faith is being tested by fire, but how you respond to the fire is so crucial. Hang in there, and trust what you know to be true about Him. He DOES love you immensely. Remember the cross. He DOES have a magnificent plan for you-it would contradict His nature for Him NOT to bless you in amazing ways because of what you’ve gone through. I know that you really do love Him. Try to draw near to Him. As much as your friends care for you, He cares infinitely more. You must believe that. I’m praying for you, girl. Jason Cagle

    Reply

  7. sara
    May 21, 2008 @ 14:06:25

    hearing you loud and clear!! why is it that everybody aroud you/us is still so ‘happy’ with God, and we are still a little on the ‘cross’ side. i guess maybe i hold a grudge a little longer than most,(just ask luke!) like you, i know more than ever that God is my true saviour and there is no other way but His, but he really knows how to hurt your heart and make you humbled, and i dont particuarly like it!! sometimes i just want to scream when people get all ‘god this and god that’ at me. like you, im just not ready for that either. i can except that steve is gone and i miss him terribly, but im also very selfish, and want him back. god made us as humans this way, so i guess he understands. i hope so anyway. πŸ™‚ thanks for your hounesty. i really appriciated it and the fact that you wont judge me for mine. love ya always. sara xoxox

    Reply

  8. Anonymous
    May 21, 2008 @ 21:54:46

    I am still praying for you. Life is so unfair. I am praying that sometime on this side of Heaven you will know why this happened. But even if you don’t, you must trust. It’s easier to trust God when you’re on the mountain. It’s the valleys that get us! All of us (even me, who is your cyberspace friend) love you and pray each day for you. Laura πŸ™‚

    Reply

  9. Anonymous
    May 22, 2008 @ 01:55:20

    Hi, you don’t know me, but I was linked to your blog awhile back through a friend, and have been following up and praying for you.. Hope that’s not creepy.. I can’t begin to imagine what you’re walking through right now. I think journey through hell is a fitting description. I don’t think there is a correct path for grief.. I have experienced loss, and though it’s definitely not the same, I can remember the feeling of being trapped in the reality of it, and wanting so bad for it to be different that my skin felt like it was crawling. Sounds odd, I know, but it was this restlessness, despair, and how am I supposed to live with this as my reality.. It shook my world. When I first heard the Mercy Me song “Bring the Rain” I hated it, and would turn it off when it came on.. To ask for the rain, or to hear the lyrics it’s just a little rain felt like it was mocking me, and at that point I couldn’t see how that fit into my walk with God.. I still struggle with that concept, similar to what you’ve said about how He gives and takes away.. But, what I have learned is that I no matter what I think about that, God is consistent, compassionate, and faithful. He is true, and precious, and with you constantly. If I were you, I wouldn’t want to hear how He gives and takes away, I wouldn’t want to hear the remarks that people consider helpful, but really just make you want to throw up.. I admire you so much, and basically just wanted to say that God meets us where we are at, and the things we endure here may not ever be clear until heaven.. However, God is compassionate, He grieves with us, He is close to the broken, He’s with you in the quiet, still, lonely places, He has never left.. He is not the God of theology, He is the God of grace and mercy. He can handle your anger, fear, heartbreak, unbelief, or whatever else you experience. He is your shelter, and my prayer is that He will shield you, and that you will tangibly feel it..

    Reply

  10. Mandy Owens
    May 22, 2008 @ 01:57:28

    If we’re being honest here, I’ve been a Christian for almost 20 years, and I can safely say that I’m watching go through this in complete and total admiration because I don’t know if I’d be handling the same situation so gracefully. You are SO strong. The strongest Christian woman I know. And seeing how beautifully you’ve handled the reoccurring situation of God giving and then taking away, I have to say that I admire you more everytime. You’re not running through the streets denouncing God… you’re dealing with human emotions… and that is nothing to feel bad about. I love you girl! You’re doing a fantastic job! Still praying for you! Love,Mandy

    Reply

  11. Jennifer
    May 22, 2008 @ 12:34:12

    This is very understandable, and although your situation is more dramatic, I suspect you are not alone in these feelings. You are doing well, to continue on like a good soldier of Christ. It’s a testimony to the way God preserves His saints.

    Reply

  12. Anonymous
    May 22, 2008 @ 17:44:33

    Hi Kristy,Thanks for your honesty. I feel really encouraged to hear how you are feeling and working through things. PS: Psalm 51 v 16-17, Micah 6:8.Blessings,Troy H

    Reply

  13. Robyn
    May 22, 2008 @ 18:50:46

    Hang in there Kristy. I so appreciate that you’re not faking it. I cannot relate to where you are, I cannot imagine how much pain you feel but I’m praying for you and hoping that somehow you’re feeling His love even in the midst of all this. The pain, grief and ugliness of this world are NOT part of His plan.

    Reply

  14. Rel
    May 23, 2008 @ 16:47:38

    I so appreciate your genuine heart. Hugs!

    Reply

  15. Karen
    May 23, 2008 @ 21:40:07

    Don’t be too hard on yourself, Kristy. You’re doing great, under the circumstances. Hang in there.Love and prayers.

    Reply

  16. Saralyn
    May 28, 2008 @ 06:49:36

    Kristy, I’ve been “lurking” on your site and praying for you in real life. I just wanted to come out of the shadows and encourage you in your “reconciling.” I don’t have any advice or words of wisdom, but wanted you to know that I am learning about the realness of God through your sufferings. I have seen Him sustain you, even if He hasn’t spared you. You have shown how He’s comforted and protected you, even when you feel abandoned. Thank you.I don’t know if the pain of others is too raw for you at this time, but I’ve gained a lot of theological wisdom through the similar questionings of Angie at http://www.audreycaroline.blogspot.com.

    Reply

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