Like The Flick Of A Switch

I’m away in an undisclosed location and, over the past few days, I’ve really felt like a burden or pressure has lifted. It’s felt quite freeing to be away. It’s been a really good experience.

Today, doing some things, I had that feeling of “normal” again. I’ve felt so ‘up’ today that it was great, though I do confess to thoughts of “How can I be like this? Nothing is normal or the same anymore. How can life be good when Steve is gone?” I should have known it wouldn’t last. Rollercoaster-style is the nature of the ride.

Tonight, the friend I’m staying with and I watched “27 Dresses”. This was what Steve and I saw the last time we went to the movies which was on our “one month anniversary” (more coincidental than planned; two days before Valentine’s Day). He felt kind of funny walking into this movie but I said that the best guys in town were there that night taking their special ladies and he actually wasn’t the only guy. To tell the truth, he also said the movie wasn’t that bad. 🙂

It wasn’t the watching of the movie that flicked the switch to where I just feel really down right now. It was towards the end when it was referring to the fact that the two main characters’ favourite part of a wedding was watching the groom when the bride walked down the aisle. I don’t know how it came up but I mentioned how that was a very-largely-spoken-of part of our wedding. My friend agreed, saying that she thought she actually watched Steve more than she watched me because he was just so radiantly happy. I can’t tell you how many people mentioned this or tried (unsuccessfully, for the most part) to take a photo and capture the tear-in-the-eye-oh-so-overwhelmingly-happy Steve as the doors opened and I walked in.

So I got a little teary and now I’m just down. We really did have a fairytale wedding and I’m so, so grateful and thankful, but just have this heart-squeeze going on that the groom in that fairytale is dead. We had a fairytale romance really. It wasn’t, and we weren’t, perfect but it was wonderful and I couldn’t ask for more but longer. As somebody said today…

I don’t know why anyone would think that your marriage to Steve was not the right decision. It always made me smile seeing you two together. And your blog was like a great christian romance novel!!!

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13 Comments (+add yours?)

  1. Anonymous
    May 27, 2008 @ 21:15:43

    Still thinking of you very much…xxxCeleste

    Reply

  2. Anonymous
    May 27, 2008 @ 21:21:53

    I’m praying for you.Laura 🙂

    Reply

  3. Jewelz
    May 27, 2008 @ 22:00:31

    I love you

    Reply

  4. Anonymous
    May 27, 2008 @ 22:01:17

    Praying for you Kristy & sending you love and hugs…Jacqui ((xoxo))

    Reply

  5. Stitchingmum
    May 27, 2008 @ 23:05:42

    You feel like you do because you’re *normal* sweet girl, here on the swings and roundabouts with you xxoo

    Reply

  6. Mum
    May 27, 2008 @ 23:13:07

    Keep that peace by protecting what you have achieved. Movies probably not a great idea. Knit, craft, card make.. things that don’t evoke sad things for you. You can’t weed everything out but obvious things like movies will help you to stay protected until you are stronger ..be good to yourself!! Love mum xx Look forward to catching some time with you.

    Reply

  7. Anonymous
    May 27, 2008 @ 23:31:12

    Kristy,I just wanted to let you know that I’m still praying for you, and that it is very encouraging to know that you have had some “up” time in which you felt normal. It is good for you to feel the things you’re feeling, as a friend mentioned to me the other day, it shows how much you cared for him. But it is also encouraging to know that you have felt “normal” for a bit. From what I know of Steve, he would want you to be happy right now. He wouldn’t want you to be sad forever. Thank you for sharing so honestly on your blog. Hang in there, girl, and take it a moment at a time. Your brother, Jason Cagle

    Reply

  8. emily
    May 28, 2008 @ 00:56:04

    i don’t reccomend watching the movie “ps i love you” at this point, but if you can get your hands on the soundtrack, i think you’d love it.. it’s probably the best sound track i have ever heard, and I think the songs will speak to where you are right now..

    Reply

  9. TEXAUS MOMMA
    May 28, 2008 @ 01:30:14

    Love you too! Glad to hear that you had a good day, although you had a hard time at the last. I’ll try to write real soon to catch up too. Hang in there, still praying…Love you, praying for you, Love you, praying for you, Love you, praying for you……

    Reply

  10. izitjo
    May 28, 2008 @ 07:49:50

    So good to know you are having moments of relief here and there on your ‘holiday’. They are as necessary as the grief work. There will be reminders all the time of what you’ve lost, because the truth is, you have lost something… someone… precious.Thinking of you while you’re away LoveJo xo

    Reply

  11. Anonymous
    May 28, 2008 @ 12:27:36

    I think Jason’s right. Steve wouldn’t want you to be sad forever. He’d want you to be happy; just as he is in Heaven. You don’t think he’s up there saying, “It’s not right to be happy here when all my friends are still on Earth.” No, I think he’d want you to be normal. You’ll never be the same, but that’s not what you, Steve, or God would want. You’re the new you because of Steve and his impact on your life. Now live life in a way that would make him pleased. Love you and praying for you. You really are a testimony to so many.

    Reply

  12. nicole
    May 28, 2008 @ 16:52:40

    talking of movies…One that moved me alot was Béatrix Potter’s life. She did not even get married to the man she loved. I just love the song sang bye katie Melua…it is a wonderfull message of love and hope: When you taught me how to dance…but it always breacks my hearth so it is perhaps not a good idea to listen to the song.

    Reply

  13. sara
    May 28, 2008 @ 20:46:27

    good to hear your ‘little break’ has been a sucess! cant wait to have you home again though. miss you heaps. loving you always, normal or not!! your friend and believer-in-you, sara. xoxox

    Reply

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