Words From People In Pain

The following comment by this woman got left on this post and I thought it was worth putting on this front page as we are so relating to each other on this!

I can honestly say that I can understand your feelings. We just found out Wednesday night that the boy who killed Elgin was driving drunk and was full of drugs. Although we both love the Lord and will continue to serve Him, it’s still hard to go on like “normal”. The pain is so severe that I wonder if I can ever get “normal” again. My pastor said something to me the other night that so describes how I feel. He said that when Elgin and I got married we were no longer two, but one and we made a whole. Now, half of that whole is gone and now I have to learn how to live as half. But the thing is……..nobody can tell me how to live as a half and nobody can tell me what to do with ALL of this pain that my heart feels.

The following passage is from a book I am reading that was recommended to me by three different people so far (one being my pastor). The book is by Jerry Sittser and is called “A Grace Disguised”. Trusting again is definitely my issue. Not whether or not bad things should happen but the seemingly unrelenting nature of it in certain people’s lives.

I memorized that Pauline passage many years ago [Romans 8:39], and it came back to me after the accident. For months I felt shattered as a human being. I could do nothing for God and had little desire to obey him. Night after night I sat in my living room, unable to say anything, pray anything, or do anything. I was empty of energy and desire. All I could do was let God love me, even though I hardly believed that he loved anyone, least of all me. I had no idea how I could really believe or whether I even wanted to. I had no will or desire for it. But somehow I believed that not even my weakness of faith bothered God much. God loved me in my misery; God loved me because I was miserable. I learned through that experience that nothing can separate us from his love–not even our inability to love him in return! That was the first time in my life that I experienced the unconditional love of God.

Still, a problem remained. God may have promised forgiveness and unconditional love. But I wondered if I could trust a God who allowed, or caused, suffering in the first place. My loss made God seem distant and unfriendly, as if he lacked the power or the desire to prevent or deliver me from suffering. Though I believed that my transformation depended upon the grace of God, I was not sure I could trust this God. Was it even possible to believe in God, considering what had happened? As we shall see, that question haunted me for a long time.

And as far as life goes for me, the following is what I wrote to some special people earlier today:

I’m very up and down. Yesterday was quite a good day but last night was terrible and I woke up in a panic that didn’t quickly subside. Overall, lately, I’ve been quite down emotionally. Mum and Lisa are staying with me which is good. I can cope reasonably well when with live-in company but the idea of transitioning to living alone is terrifying. I also regularly feel like I’m j-u-s-t managing to keep ‘something’ at bay…like a crushing weight of grief or depression…almost like if it catches up with me, I might not be able to get out from underneath it. That probably doesn’t make sense and is hard to explain. At any rate, when you feel like that, it’s hard to imagine that you might actually one day be “normal” again–whatever normal is.

And, finally, a link to a thought-provoking article by Sallie of A Quiet Simple Life that people either relate to or totally don’t get. I get it. Some commenters didn’t. Either way, there’s lots to think about and she is a bit further down the path than I am.

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6 Comments (+add yours?)

  1. Anonymous
    Jun 17, 2008 @ 21:19:13

    I have a feeling your ‘normal’ is new normal. I am praying for you.Laura 🙂

    Reply

  2. tootie
    Jun 18, 2008 @ 00:04:09

    I wish I knew what to say. 😦My prayers are with you!

    Reply

  3. Felicity
    Jun 18, 2008 @ 09:03:06

    Oh how I am longing for you to find comfort in Him, but I know that it is so terribly hard and painful for you to go there, I am so confident that your faith will be so strong after all this, “For I am confident of this very thing, that He who began a good work in you will perfect it until the day of Christ Jesus.” Phil 1:6Still praying for you, and I miss you!!!:(Love Flick

    Reply

  4. Anonymous
    Jun 19, 2008 @ 09:11:24

    Dear Kristy,Thank you for the latest entry, and the blog link to the discussion on God not always giving what we want, not always meeting what one hopes for, not being as one expects, or what we often would think is plain reasonable. This is the hardest lesson in the Christian life to learn. Handing over life to God is not always a pleasant experience whilst here on earth – John the Baptist is a great example. And he kept his faith, but needed to do a check – sending folks to ask Jesus who he really was – see he had inner doubts! God’s standard for a”pleasant experience” or “reasonable life experience” and ours are somewhat different I believe. We look for the human connection, love and a feeling of well being, and unfortunately in this day’s world and Western society, seem to believe that life should be good and centred on me always. God does not always offer the matching pattern, because His plans are bigger by far, way outside our boundaries of human experience and thinking. However, he does provide a love that is eternal, (though at times we find it hard to feel at all, let alone truly believing this), strength to cope, despite how well we WANT to cope, and you are a brilliant example of that – it seems that you are being given just enough coping at any given time, sometimes just in time, sometimes even outside your own radar, but it is there, and God always has for us His Word that will always have something, even people like Job to help us have a glimmer, or even a smidgen of a glimmer (nano) of insight into the mind of God. I suspect that your blog over the months have provided to many people more hope, more insight into God’s faithfulness DESPITE the circumstances, than anyone can ever imagine. Take heart Kristy, you are sure loved by God, and he is showing this in part through this amazing medium (computers)that has only been in existence for a short time, and that same love is helping many others bond together, through either being partners with you in grief, or like myself, helping me to understand pain others can go through. Your life is teaching us that if one never loses sight of God along the way, (though we may feel like we have lost all other conenctions) somehow, beyond our own insight and strength we do survive.You remain in our prayers, twice a day every day, and I follow your growth, maturity, and emotions, whether up or down on a regular basis so we can pray with thought.Thank you for so much sharinglots of loveStephen and Lorraine (CCC)

    Reply

  5. izitjo
    Jun 19, 2008 @ 19:26:14

    Hi KristyWhile your situation can’t be ‘known’ to me in a personal way, the general concept you are getting at is as we’ve discussed before. It really is where the rubber hits the road.Love you xo

    Reply

  6. M. C. Pearson
    Jun 21, 2008 @ 16:41:53

    Wow, looks like a great book…someone who can understand your pain.I’m still always thinking and praying for you.Hugs to you from North Carolina!

    Reply

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