More Goodbyes & Ponderings

Zeke is gone. The father of the guy we got him from goes to our church and he picked him up this morning. His grandson had taken a liking to Zeke (back before we got him and he was still called Pete!) and will probably pick up the ‘friendship’ and training again. Zeke will be a lot happier out on their farm with other working dogs and plenty to do.

I guess I will miss him for a while and pictures of him will always bring bittersweet memories…picking him up on my father-in-law’s birthday and finding that he actually had the same name–which we changed to avoid the dog and Grandpa having the same name; trying to find a name that would kind of sound similar to Pete but be different; Steve and I sitting at the dinner table taking turns going out to squirt him to make him shut up; the night we got him and left him in the back of the Pajero only to return and find that he’d squeezed between the window and the cargo barrier and had been jumping over the rest of the car; the times Steve drove away leaving me with Zeke who would shoot through the second I let go of him and chase Steve up the road to the in-laws, causing me to run inside and ring Steve to grab “that stinkin’ mutt” before he got lost and/or run over; Steve nicknaming him “Muttley”…

It’s really all about Steve, rather than the dog…

So I went to the cemetery for the first time today since the funeral. I needed to order the headstone/plaque for the grave but just hadn’t been able to face going before now. Every time I thought about going, I would feel sick and/or anxious and like I’d flake out just being there. I didn’t know if I would manage today either but it had waited long enough. The ordering part was quick and simple, thankfully, since I had already worked out the wording some time ago.

Then we wandered over to where the grave is, marked by a very simple temporary sign saying the name and date of burial. It was a weird kind of experience to see Steve’s name on a tombstone. It’s just not right that somebody so young and alive is now reduced to a memory and a name on a plaque. In tears, I commented that the grave seemed too small to hold somebody so full of life. I made my mum drive on the way out so I didn’t lose the plot driving down the road. I don’t hate God every day any more but things like that make those feelings well up in me again. “How can he be gone? How could you, God? It’s not right. He can’t be gone.” You never feel more powerless than in the face of death.

And you know that saying, something along the lines of “Nothing is certain in this life except death and taxes?” Well, the same week Steve died, I received his tax bill (since it isn’t automatically deducted) of over $10,000. The irony wasn’t lost on me at the time. (The company paid it, by the way.)

I’m still trying to wrestle through all the facets of God and His promises vs life and it’s suffering. How do you reconcile verses like “Hope deferred makes the heart sick but when the desire comes it is a tree of life” with when the “tree of life” is axed down? How do you reconcile the miraculous power of God in saving the life of an old man and taking the life of a young one? How do you reconcile Christians living together in sin, happy and healthy, while others lose husbands they’ve faithfully waited for and desperately loved–and why do some people get struck by the same tragedy of losing a spouse not once but twice. I’m up to three women now that I know about who have remarried after the death of a husband, only to have the second one die too. It’s the repetition that gets me the most. I could almost come up with a good reason for one bad thing happening to every living person. It’s why some people seem singled out for a triple dose that gets me.

I wrote the following to a new friend earlier this week and it probably sums up where I’m at in positive moments:

Maybe the reason we feel like repetitive tragedies and unfair things aren’t right is because they’re not–nevertheless, we still live in a fallen world–and they’re meant to make us long for more. I don’t know. It’s part of the stuff I’m working through. I guess that seems simple enough but it’s only part of a whole. I kind of need a few things to tie together. I don’t expect answers to everything down here but I just need some kind of “theology” that I can make peace with on it.


13 Comments (+add yours?)

  1. tootie
    Jun 24, 2008 @ 00:15:04

    I wish that I had some answers or something comforting to say. I’ve often wondered why the best people have such horrible things happen to them, too. It doesn’t make sense.You are in my prayers, as always.


  2. Anonymous
    Jun 24, 2008 @ 00:36:45

    Life sure doesn’t make sense. But we know that God is in control. He was not taken aback by Steve’s death. The “why” may never be answered this side of Heaven. But try and remember that this life is but a vapor….think of eternity. I know it’s hard and I have no idea HOW hard……but I’m wanting to help in some way. I’ll continue praying for you. I am still praying that you find that housemate, if you are still thinking that that may be an option.Laura 🙂


  3. christi
    Jun 24, 2008 @ 03:59:01

    i wish i knew what to say. i have no words, only prayers for you.blessings ~


    Jun 24, 2008 @ 06:13:05

    I’m so proud of you and for the steps you take, whether big or small…still praying for you, and hope the blanket reminds you of that! 🙂 Love you lots….you’re a champ. 😉


  5. Mum-me
    Jun 24, 2008 @ 14:09:34

    I’ve been readng your blog for a while now. I am a christian too, and I have been praying for you, and will continue to do so. I can’t even begin to imagine what you are going through. It still hurts when I think of my uncle who died 18 months ago – don’t know how I’d be coping if it were my husband. I can completely understand, though, why you’d be questioning God’s wisdom in all of this. Hang in there. God loves you and still wants to shower you with blessings even though it may not seem like it now. Your sister in Christ from Canberra…..


  6. sara
    Jun 24, 2008 @ 16:27:30

    i so glad to hear that yo were up to going to the cemetry yesterday kristy. im so proud of you. you are strong. i hope the next couple of days are smoothish. thinking and praying for you. love ya always, sara (small steps 😉


  7. Anonymous
    Jun 24, 2008 @ 21:00:12

    Praying for you – peace, lots of daily-moment-by-moment encouragement, comfort, hope and biessings – that all your needs will be met… you are so dear and precious, Kristy… so hard to know what to say except that I love you very much and continue to pray… Jacqui ((xo))


  8. nicole
    Jun 25, 2008 @ 07:01:08

    I know remaried women who haven’t yet lost there second husband!For example one of my good friends lost her first husband , remarried had two girls and is still happily married her two daughters are now 20 and 18…


  9. Anonymous
    Jun 25, 2008 @ 12:11:48

    Oh Kristy, I still can’t believe that Steve is gone and sure can understand that it is still soo hard for you – I think you’re doing great under the circumstances. You are very special and very much loved – you don’t need to live up to others expectations – just do what you can manage, and know that we are praying for you – for peace that passes understanding – and thinking of you.Love Karen


  10. Anonymous
    Jun 27, 2008 @ 08:03:42

    Hey Lovely gal, you are such a treasure in our great circle of friends, and so appreciate your honesty. My heart till aches for you, and yeah, it doesnt make sense. But I love you, and as we keep saying ‘ baby steps’ and only do what you can for now, you’ll know when you get take on a challenge, I think some of us are a challenge alone, hehe! love you lots, and hugs coming at.Trac


  11. 5purposedriven
    Jun 27, 2008 @ 08:43:03

    I wish you many butterflies…they represent hope for me…the kind of hope that touches down and just when you want to get a picture of it to keep, it’s gone. It’s just enough to make you smile, though!


  12. Anonymous
    Jun 27, 2008 @ 12:48:57

    Heya,Nice to hear an update. Keep plodding. Troy


  13. Rel
    Jun 30, 2008 @ 19:01:52

    You are worthy and wise, my friend. I have no doubt that the outpourings of your heart are touching lives you won’t even know this side of Heaven.Hugs 🙂


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