Lonely Heart

Tonight was house church. It’s the first time I’ve been in a while due to sickness or being in Adelaide. It was also the first time in a long time when we haven’t had a dinner and when we did have a study (due to Steve’s death). I think it’s the first time I haven’t cried, too. The last time I was there was the second month anniversary when I had a massive day and then just couldn’t stop crying that night.

So tonight, I think, was probably the first time I’ve had a “real” house church night without Steve. House church was really my first niche beginning in the church and town; the place where I felt most comfortable down here; house church was Steve’s. And while I haven’t cried, it wouldn’t take much to get me going at the moment. My heart is hurting, almost like a literal pain, with missing him. Without Jo or even Penny (the other single) there, it really felt like a night of couples which makes Steve’s absence in my life even more noticeable. Not that I have anything against the couples–I love ’em all–it’s just the current rawness of it all.

I’m tired and I need to go to bed. Really, though, I don’t want to go there at all. I don’t want to get into a big ol’ bed that’s cold, empty and lonely. Where the only part of my husband left to hug is the clothes he left behind. Night after night after night. God, how can I do this lonely plod? Where is the joy in the journey…

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16 Comments (+add yours?)

  1. tootie
    Jul 02, 2008 @ 23:58:53

    I’m glad that you made it to house church. That’s a big step!But my heart breaks because I know it reminds you even more of your loss.I know you will get through this! We are sending you lots of hugs and prayers from the US.

    Reply

  2. Jen
    Jul 03, 2008 @ 00:24:12

    Thank you so much for your honesty. So glad you made it to house church (although I’m not quite sure what that is!!). I still pray for you everytime I think of you.

    Reply

  3. lauren clark
    Jul 03, 2008 @ 00:46:33

    I’m still thinking of you.

    Reply

  4. Anonymous
    Jul 03, 2008 @ 01:30:09

    You can do it. Just take small steps. I am praying for you still. Are you still looking for a housemate? Just curious so I’ll know how to pray.Laura 🙂

    Reply

  5. Mandy
    Jul 03, 2008 @ 09:27:42

    House church was a big step.. I’m glad you were able to make it! But I’m sorry you’re in pain… I will forever be sorry that you had to go through this. Love you girl!

    Reply

  6. Mrs.Naz@BecomingMe
    Jul 03, 2008 @ 10:38:39

    That is a big step. Prayers and love are with you at all times

    Reply

  7. nicole
    Jul 03, 2008 @ 19:32:36

    My mother fellt very much the same…being single made you feel “out” of everything…people did not invit her any longer…she sawa big difference.I am sorry, you will feel like that for quite a long time …it can’t be different!Loving someone is also taking the risk of suffering…And it is clear you loved him deeply and he must have been so happy about it!

    Reply

  8. Karen
    Jul 03, 2008 @ 21:22:21

    My heart goes out to you Kristy. Praying for you, knowing that it is still so hard for you. You are special and much loved and thought of.

    Reply

  9. Joy King
    Jul 04, 2008 @ 00:18:24

    I’m still out here, and still praying for you, Kristy. Thanks for keeping us updated. *hugs*

    Reply

  10. Jessica Elisabeth
    Jul 04, 2008 @ 01:26:58

    I’m praying for you over here in the U. S., even though you don’t know me. May God continue to give you comfort.

    Reply

  11. Anonymous
    Jul 04, 2008 @ 08:59:27

    I wanted to let you know that I am thinking of you and praying for you. You will get your joy back because it comes from the Lord. The hole in your heart will remain. I am praying each day as I think of you, even though I don’t know you.Laura (the same one who posted above)

    Reply

  12. sumi
    Jul 04, 2008 @ 16:14:14

    Hugs…

    Reply

  13. Anonymous
    Jul 04, 2008 @ 22:26:50

    We love you,Sarah xx

    Reply

  14. Father's Grace Ministries
    Jul 07, 2008 @ 15:11:06

    Hang in there, Kristy. Our church housegroup prayed for you when you first lost Steve.My heart grieves for your day to day struggles. I have recently been fellowshipping with a Christian widow who lost her husband in a motorbike accident 2 years ago. She shared with with me that a book by Christian singer TAMMY TRENT greatly helped her. Tammy lost her husband in a diving accident. Unfortunately she couldn’t remember the name of the book- maybe someone else has already recommended it to you?God bless youClaire

    Reply

  15. Denise K.
    Jul 07, 2008 @ 15:38:22

    Hi there! My name is Denise and I discovered your blog by accident after reading another bloggers site on “CWO Blog Roll” where she mentioned yours. Your story just touched me, and I wanted to share how sorry I am for the loss of your beloved husband. I will pray for peace in your heart, and strength in this journey of healing. Although I don’t know you, I just wanted to share that I will be remembering you in my prayers all the way around the world in Colorado, United States. I will also be keeping your husband’s family, your family, and especially you in my thoughts and prayers.May peace be yours,Denise Kofford Ü

    Reply

  16. Anonymous
    Jul 08, 2008 @ 16:10:42

    I just wanted to let you know that I am still thinking of you and praying for youSending hugs tooTammi

    Reply

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