Frivolity Or Pretense?

My last few blog posts have been rather frivolous really. It probably gives one the impression that things are going well.

In actuality, they’re not.

In between the few bright sparks blogged is a lot of dark and stormy weather that is just too dark and stormy to blog. Things that are too dark and hard and painful to put into words worth reading. So I haven’t blogged.

I will say this: By the three month mark, when people tend to think that the grieving person is probably starting to get to the point where they can “move on”, that person’s probably only just got to the point where the fog of fresh grief has been wiped off their window-on-the-world. All they can see clearly now is a bleak horizon stretching out to infinity.

So maybe you could be extra gracious and put their starter mark there…then give them another three months before you consider they might have reached a point where they might be starting to “move on”. I know they’ll love you for it.


22 Comments (+add yours?)

  1. Mandy Owens
    Jul 13, 2008 @ 16:18:31

    my marker is reset, but i wouldn’t even expect you to be ready to “move on” 3 months from this point… there is no getting back to the way things were, it’s a brand new thing from this point on… surely people realize that. your life has changed, and it will keep changing, and no one should expect anyone who has been through this to bounce back to their old cheerful self. my new prayer is that no one in your life makes you feel like you have to move forward until you’re ready… but as far as i’m concerned, you’re moving forward every single day (maybe you think they’re baby steps), but that’s the way it should be handled… you’re doing a great job! could you please hurry up and come to alabama so i can hug you in person? cyber hugs are lacking. 😦i love you girl! i hope you’re taking good care of yourself.


  2. Anonymous
    Jul 13, 2008 @ 18:45:17

    You can be sure we will keep on loving you even if we can’t always understand. Here with you for as long as it takes, Sarah and co xx


  3. Linds
    Jul 13, 2008 @ 18:51:12

    There is no “right time” here. So many variables. I had to wait 15 months for my husband’s inquest, and so had to put off everything to do with grieving till then. And than after the inquest came the legal shenanigans with the hospitals which are still going on. And now it is 2 years and the grieving has not started yet. So neither has the moving on bit. Everyone is different. I just get up and aim to get through the day as best I can. I have to work. I have to be a mother. Thank God for friends and family who have walked alongside me. Only you will know when you are ready, so be gentle with yourself, sweetie. And don’t look to far ahead. Just at each day as it comes. It is ok to take your time.


  4. Natalie (Nyquist) Ference
    Jul 14, 2008 @ 02:02:49

    you are absolutely right, dear. I hope you have some people in your daily life who realize that. In some ways, this is when it starts to get worse because, as you said, you can see a bit further down the road and it’s frightening and bleak. I’m right there with you. :hug:


  5. christi
    Jul 14, 2008 @ 04:42:44

    praying for you here in texas!blessings ~


  6. Anonymous
    Jul 14, 2008 @ 05:01:33

    I will continue praying for you. I always appreciate your honesty when you blog. (((HUGS)))Laura 🙂


  7. Luanne
    Jul 14, 2008 @ 05:21:43

    Hi, I found your blog through a comment you left on LeAnn’s blog.Just wanted you to know I can identify and I agree about moving the marker, of course since each case is different where to put it is puzzling. I hope to pop back and see how you are doing. My favorite piece of advice was to remember you will never stop missing your loved one, but every mountain you come to is a little shorter than the last one and every valley is a little higher until one day all you encounter are small bumps in the road. God Bless you healing heart.Luanne


  8. sumi
    Jul 14, 2008 @ 07:16:03

    I am with you…it only started to get hard around the 3 month mark for me. My last blog post is about the expectations of other people and the trip they unwittingly put on me when they expect me to just surrender the situation to Jesus and move on. What they don’t realise is that they don’t give me permission to grieve when they do that, even though their intentions are pure it puts me in a straightjacket! This is a long road but I believe it will get easier! It has to! I am praying for you. Many hugs, Sumi


  9. Robyn
    Jul 14, 2008 @ 08:48:14

    I don’t think other people should have any expectations about when you’re going to be ready to move on….grief is such an individual thing and can easily be a one step forward, two back etc experience. Steve’s parents are probably grieving in a different way from you and from each other too. Please be gentle with yourself and your own expectations of yourself too, ok? Praying for you…


  10. tootie
    Jul 14, 2008 @ 09:47:26

    I remember when I lost a family member – it was hardest after a few months when everyone expected that I’d be “back to normal,” but I didn’t feel close to normal at all.I don’t pretend to know what you’re going through, but I offer you my continued prayers! *hugs*


  11. gilly
    Jul 14, 2008 @ 10:28:52

    HelloI just wanted to say that it was great to see you the other night. I also just wanted to say I and we (Cathy, my girls, all my friends) are very happy and blessed that you are part of our community. I know it must be tough but I can’t understand how tough and probably never will. I have no doubt that I and others must come across as insensitive at times by our words and actions but know that our prayers, love and care for you is constantly happening. Don’t put any unneeded pressure on yourself. Walk this journey at your pace and I pray others will walk at your pace too as they walk with you. I hope your week goes okay but again, it is great to have you amongst us and I (Cathy and our girls as well) look forward to getting to know you better over time. BlessingsPS – I am also going to have my blog up soon to rival you and Matt!


  12. Mrs.Naz@BecomingMe
    Jul 14, 2008 @ 12:46:07

    Thank you for sharing. Grief…so many stages…like Mandy said, you are moving on, but slowly as you should be. I wish I had words to comfort you. You are loved and my prayers continue.


  13. Anonymous
    Jul 14, 2008 @ 13:52:21

    Hey, It’s me again. I check on you on a daily basis. I’m to the point that each morning as I’m putting my feet on the floor to get out of bed, I ask God, “How am I going to get through today without Elgin?” This past Friday made 2 months Elgin was killed. With each day I’m finding out more and more details on how Elgin was killed. He was killed when a 21 year old drunk driver on drugs crossed the center line and hit Elgin head on. Both trucks burst into flames and both bodies were burned beyond recognition. The autopsy report said that Elgin’s body was severly charred and his skull was split open and his brain was spilling out. Then I find out that the young man who killed him was previously arrested for a hit & run, speeding, reckless operation of a motor vehicle, driving while intoxicated, marijuana, crack cocaine & drug paraphernalia. He was also driving with a suspended license. His last arrest was 44 days before he killed Elgin. This young man should still be in jail. But, there was always one of his family who would go and bale him out. So, now because of his choices he made that day, my children and I now have to live without him. This Thursday will be our daughter’s 18th birthday. This will be her first birthday without her Daddy. It just seems like with each passing day it gets harder and harder to live without Elgin. I wait for 7:00 each night for him to call me. I sit on the front porch and wait for him to come home, but he doesn’t. I go to bed at night hugging his robe. At first it had his “smell”, but now even that’s gone. People tell me that one day it’s going to get easier, but nobody can tell me when that day will come. Does it ever come?Josephine


  14. Anonymous
    Jul 14, 2008 @ 17:49:05

    Heya,Keep moving at your own pace. We have no expectations so are easy to please. Bless you. TH & LH


  15. Susanna
    Jul 14, 2008 @ 21:15:26

    I am crying for you and for Jopsephine and everyone else who has to face the reality of life without a loved one. You know, frivolous blog psost are OK! They may only be sparks amongst the gloom but at least there are sparks. Most people cannot blog about great loss this early on- some never can. May God give you the ‘strength for today and bright hope for tomorrow’ and all the tomorrows without your dear husband.Lots of love.


  16. Anonymous
    Jul 14, 2008 @ 23:04:29

    Hey girl, Just wanted to say I agree with Mandy-you need to hurry up and come to Alabama!Jason


  17. bp
    Jul 15, 2008 @ 01:57:39

    I found you from Becoming Me. I am praying for you this week. I enjoyed looking at your blog. May God give your heart what He knows you need in Him this week.


  18. 5purposedriven
    Jul 15, 2008 @ 05:55:05

    Well said. You are coping.I’ve heard at least a year of no major decisions, so I don’t think everyone has that expectation. A lady here lost her husband unexpectedly. He played Jesus in all our plays. This Easter, they used his same wig and costume, and I thought it would have to kill her. New things will always bring fresh grief. I suspect you will grieve throughout your whole life at times. I lost a twin to my third little red-head. I thought I’d always grieve. Just when I got over mine, the little guy’s sibling told him about his “twin” and HE grieves that loss several times a month with me. It’s a journey, for sure. Thanks for sharing yours so candidly, mixed with coping and the depths.


  19. Anonymous
    Jul 15, 2008 @ 08:38:49

    No need to pretend, no need for a timeline, life is not like that and never will be. God will allow you as much time as you need, be it six months or years. he will never stop caring, and is quite used to our ups and downs, somewhat unlike us, His creation, who fail to have His compassion, His Love, and His patience. Stick with it Christy, we have not forgotten you, we still pray each morning that you have strength for the day, and each night that you may sleep.With LoveStephen and Lorraine.


  20. Felicity
    Jul 15, 2008 @ 11:54:26

    You constantly amaze me, I am learning so much from you, you are loved very much and I will always be here to support you!!!Lots of love Flick


  21. The Broken Man
    Jul 17, 2008 @ 06:53:10

    You are so right – 3 months is probably just the start of the greiving process. I am sure that people are simply in shock up until about then.I hope things begin to look up for you from this point, and that you will feel comfortable talking about stuff even if it doesn’t. Don’t try to rush it,The Broken Man


  22. lauren clark
    Jul 18, 2008 @ 03:27:07

    still thinking of you.


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