Still Holding My Breath

This week has actually been a really good week. I’m quite nervous about saying that for fear that it will all come crashing back down around me. I know it won’t last, at this point, because that is the nature of the ‘game’. However, it has been lovely to have a breather!

“Breather” is quite a good word because last week I felt like I was drowning and this week I actually feel like I can breathe. Up until Sunday, things were terrible over the past few weeks. From Sunday night till now, things have looked up.

I got a beautiful and encouraging text message from one of Steve’s mates that really did my battered heart a lot of good. You get to the point where you listen to the loudest voices and get lower and lower, so it really helped to know that somebody thought (right then) that I was doing a great job.

I had some special friends stay earlier this week and their daughter, Elyse, stayed on. She goes home today. Their visit was such a breath of fresh air and encouragement. As I’ve gone about my house for the remainder of the week, I’ve found all these little pass-it-on message cards propped up all over the place left by them to encourage me. 🙂

House church this week was so much better than last time. I really missed Steve there but we talked and laughed and joked about him almost as though he was there and it just felt right and good. It was an evening that I enjoyed a lot, even if in a bittersweet way. The fact that my week had gone well to that point and I was “up” (for once) would definitely have contributed.

It was a little bit of a downer to get home and open my mail to find the official death certificate had arrived. The envelope had a warning on it about opening it alone so some very special people drove out just to be with me while I opened and read it. We all had a good cry and lots of hugs. It really is hard and so final to see it all in print. As hard as it was, though, it is also a very good thing because I have really needed that certificate. Now, I am able to tie up the remainder of the loose ends and that takes some kind of burden off your shoulders. We are still waiting on the autopsy report but, with the death certificate having been issued, that shouldn’t be too far away.

Some other things that were causing me a lot of pain and stress also seem to be on the mend, thank God.

Speaking of God, I should say that I started reading my Bible this week. I had ordered a new Bible from the States (along with a couple of other books) and figured that, when it finally arrived, I’d try to pick it up. I don’t feel particularly spiritual or anything; it’s part of my search for answers. The box came Monday night so I did that Tuesday. I picked Job. 😛 I will say this:

1. I think people are w-a-y too hard on Job’s wife. She doesn’t say that much and not much is said about her. As a note pointed out, Job wasn’t told to offer up any kind of sacrifice for her like he was for his friends and I think that says something. People also say that Job called her a foolish woman. Actually, it says he told her she was speaking like one of the foolish women. So maybe she was in a mood of despair and that was the only way she could see out. It seems she accepted Job’s rebuke, at any rate, and God didn’t strike her dead. She still stuck around the whole time with him and was there for the blessings at the end. So that’s my thoughts!

2. Job has some good words to say that I surely can relate to having felt, such as (paraphrased), “Why is it that people who want to die are kept alive?!” and “Everything I was afraid of has happened to me!” (Job 3:20-26) I imagine that if a marketing campaign were to create a slogan for Job it would something like “Job–Keepin’ it real!” and I say, “Bring it on!”

The most helpful things I have read have been by people who let themselves scream out the questions till they found the answers. They’re probably all people who, in others’ eyes, “should have known better” about God and life and all. So I find it incredibly comforting that I can see myself in so much of where they were. And guess what? They survived, made it to the other side, and still believe in God. Or rather, they still follow God, because my search is not about whether God exists but about whether or not I want to trust Him again with my heart.

Therefore, this week, I extend kudos to Jerry Sittser–author of A GRACE DISGUISED and CS Lewis–author of A GRIEF OBSERVED. I take my hat off to people who are brave enough to be real because, believe me, it takes a lot of courage to be real! Trust me, I know. I can fully understand why some people become hermits. Maybe they deserve credit for at least not committing suicide, even though it still doesn’t solve the problem. If I ever write a book (which I had never planned to but people keep telling me), I’ll write it for all those people who don’t handle things “perfectly” and “spiritually”–like me–and I think I’ll dedicate it to those special people who let me “spill my guts” around their kitchen tables or their living rooms and loved me anyway. 🙂

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15 Comments (+add yours?)

  1. Rel
    Jul 18, 2008 @ 16:56:49

    Beautiful post, Kristy ~ thanks for your honesty and heartfelt words – they are a breath of fresh air!Hugs

    Reply

  2. Celine
    Jul 18, 2008 @ 17:11:54

    Thinking of you Kristy!I hope you’ll find the answers you’re looking for! 🙂I’m glad you feel a little better this week.Sending loads of positive thoughts your way!

    Reply

  3. Anonymous
    Jul 18, 2008 @ 17:45:18

    Being real is good. It is the way you were intended to be! Great to hear you have had a nice week.Blessings, TH.

    Reply

  4. Felicity
    Jul 18, 2008 @ 20:10:21

    I am so glad you have had a better week, you have needed to ‘breathe’. I am also glad your Bible has arrived 🙂 Lots of love and hugs, Flick

    Reply

  5. tootie
    Jul 18, 2008 @ 22:45:38

    I’m so glad that things are going well for you this week. It sounds like you have some great friends to help you through everything!

    Reply

  6. Anonymous
    Jul 18, 2008 @ 22:51:21

    I am glad that you are able to laugh some during these tough days. I also appreciate how real you are in your posts. Still praying for you.Laura 🙂

    Reply

  7. Anonymous
    Jul 18, 2008 @ 23:46:36

    Kristy, It’s so great and refreshing to hear you’re back in the Word. It wasn’t so long ago that you and Steve were devouring it together at an amazing pace. I’m glad you chose Job to start out with. You two have a lot in common, and I know it will do you good to fellowship with him in his suffering, and walk that path along with him. I’m very proud of you, girl, and I continue to lift you up to the Heavenly throne. Your brother, Jason Cagle

    Reply

  8. Susanna
    Jul 19, 2008 @ 04:40:54

    So pleased that you have been blessed this week. It is all very well for those of us who have not experienced such trials to say ‘well it should be done this or that way’…..but the truth of real life is far different. Asking questions strengthens your faith…and it is quite obvious that you believe the everlasting arms are underneath you and won’t let you go even while you ‘spill your guts out’. God gave us friends right? He gave us voices and emotions and minds- and you are using yours to come through somehting I cannot imagine surviving myself. FWIW- I think you are doing good. I pray you will have many more ‘good’ weeks ahead. Bittersweet maybe, tearful yes, but weeks when you know God’s blessing really clearly.

    Reply

  9. bp
    Jul 20, 2008 @ 13:29:53

    Praying for you! Just stopping by to see how you are doing.

    Reply

  10. Jessica in NY
    Jul 21, 2008 @ 04:23:39

    Kristy, remember that the Lord is not only our Maker and our Master, but our hope – the ONLY hope there is. You CAN trust Him with your heart, for He knows it – He knows every heart that He creates. As your sister in Christ, I tell you in love that there is no other way except for His.(I know you know this already, but I know, too, that we are called to build one another up in faith.)My heart twists in pain for you whenever I read your words. I pray that God blesses every moment of every day, and every breath that you take. Your unimaginable suffering is His unimaginable suffering, too. He loves you. We love you. Stay with Him.

    Reply

  11. chadlinski
    Jul 22, 2008 @ 01:45:39

    although we have different viewpoints on donald miller at least we can both agree that C.S. Lewis is gold! 🙂 … glad things are starting to get better for ya matey 😉

    Reply

  12. Mrs. Walker
    Jul 22, 2008 @ 03:11:37

    I think the hardest thing about grief and the whole grieving process is that each of us has to do it in our way, in our own timing. Many people do not get that this process often includes periods, long or short, of being very angry at God and/or feeling very uncertain about all that you were supposed to believe and know about Him. I am not as much an outwardly expressive person when it comes to strong, negative emotions, but after losing my daughter, I had plenty of times when I had screaming fits towards God in my head! Guess what, He heard and helped and I did make it through to the other side. I’m glad that you are being real, with yourself and with others. I’m very glad that you are reading again. I know from my experience that the Scriptures were the only true source of any lasting comfort that I found in the midst of my grief. I still think about you often and pray for you. Take each day as it comes and be patient with yourself. It’s ok to laugh again; it’s ok to still fall into those tears! So many are still praying for you and upholding you through this trial. God bless!

    Reply

  13. Anonymous
    Jul 22, 2008 @ 03:29:37

    Kristy,I’ve been reading for several months now and am ashamed to say that I haven’t commented until now. I have appreciated your blog so much for so many reasons. Keep writing and being honest and truthful about your questions, searches, successes, and doubts. Your good days and your bad days mean more to others than you probably realize. Praying for you,Emily M. (from Indiana, USA)

    Reply

  14. Kelly @ Wisdom Begun
    Jul 22, 2008 @ 06:55:00

    I haven’t commented in a while Kristy, but continue to pray for you. My heart aches for you yet I find at the same time your words teach me about real living. You probably don’t realize it, but you are more courageous than many of us. I hold deep respect for you and wish I could bring over some chocolate chip cookies and a hug.Your sister in Christ,Kelly

    Reply

  15. Samalah
    Jul 22, 2008 @ 19:44:28

    Kristy, it was very encouraging to see that you are slowly getting back into the Word! Just a note to let you know that people are still upholding you in their prayers, you are not forgotten!Blessings, Samalah (NZ)

    Reply

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