Four Months

So, today, we reach four months. I still can’t really get my head around the fact that I’ve been widowed for that long–alongside the fact that I’m only 28. It’s an insanely crazy life that I’m living at the moment. It still feels very surreal at times.

I think I’ve got through the last two church services without actually crying. I’m not so sure that I made it through those two without being a little teary but I guess that’s some kind of progress, anyway. Forget singing still–I’ve never felt so mocked before as I do by the words of songs I used to love.

Yesterday was a very emotionally draining day for me. I actually didn’t expect it to be and got somewhat blindsided by it. My plan was to get the papers for Steve’s car changed over so I could pay the registration and hopefully have lunch with a friend on her break. Well, I got the car sorted. My friend couldn’t get off work so we just dropped in to see her. We bumped into another friend that I haven’t seen since Steve’s funeral and tried to avoid being noticed by a couple of others (sorry, but there’s only so much I can take!). After some lunch, I decided to tackle the task of getting my mobile changed from the company bill to my name. I was hoping to get out of the contracts I hadn’t chosen but to keep the same number. Well, that didn’t work (although I do still have the same number, for those who were wondering!). In all the waiting and hot environment, I was just standing there fanning myself thinking, “Don’t panic…” It took so long and required so many details that I ended up in tears, feeling overwhelmed, but, thankfully, the young guy overseeing stuff lost his brother a few years ago and so was quite sympathetic. So that took a lot of spare time that I was planning on having before seeing a friend who was involved in our wedding and, by the time she left, I was absolutely wiped out and almost “out of my head” with emotional exhaustion. Quite surprising because it doesn’t seem like much but I guess it drained my emotional reserves.

On the relieving side, though, administrative/legal things are finally beginning to resolve. I had a phone call today that made me feel like we’re finally starting to get somewhere–after four months! I’m beginning to realise just how much “silent stress” I’ve been carrying around. I didn’t realise what a weight these things were until they have started getting tied up and being lifted off my shoulders–things that are too important to be forgotten and so must be remembered but that I’ve been powerless to do anything about until now; things that are being handled by somebody else but require my periodic input, etc. It’s almost interesting to see. I think I’m now of the opinion that you can’t truly start healing properly until all loose ends are finalised and tied up. That’s not to say that no healing can begin beforehand but you don’t realise the abundance of chains you are dragging around with you every minute of every day.

Regardless of what people may think my life has consisted of up until this point over the past few months, I said to my mum yesterday that, when all administration/legalities are completed, I think I need to go on a holiday for a week or two where I do nothing but relax and start to recover. Some tropical island…no computer…no mobile…no interruptions…no demands…no appointments… πŸ™‚ Just plenty of sleep, blue skies, fresh air, sunshine, books, journalling, beauty…

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9 Comments (+add yours?)

  1. TEXAUS MOMMA
    Jul 24, 2008 @ 00:13:09

    G’day my dear sweet sister! I am so glad to hear that some things are wrapping up for you….and quit slapping yourself when you have a rough day….I think you are amazing, and that you do a whole lot more than I would have ever imagined being able to do. πŸ˜‰ Seriously though, you are doing great, and I am proud of you. I think the holiday is a great idea, too….just make sure you take your Bible and lots of chocolate and coffee beans! I’ll keep praying for you, and that the rest of the loose ends get tied. Know that I love ya lots….Nari….ps. don’t forget your phone card…lol

    Reply

  2. Anonymous
    Jul 24, 2008 @ 02:43:41

    Praying for you. I hope you will meet many people who are understanding and patient with you along the way. And I hope you get that weeklong holiday!! Laura πŸ™‚

    Reply

  3. Susanna
    Jul 24, 2008 @ 04:31:05

    That sounds like a very good idea- I hope you get to do it.Some quiet time without any expectations on you and nothing to sort out sounds like good ground to begin recovering.

    Reply

  4. tootie
    Jul 24, 2008 @ 07:13:38

    Yes! The vacation is a perfect idea. If anyone deserves a break, it’s you!

    Reply

  5. Anonymous
    Jul 24, 2008 @ 13:33:34

    May God’s favour shine on you today as you go about your daily things, and may you see him in the ordinary things.TH

    Reply

  6. Celine
    Jul 25, 2008 @ 21:52:27

    Taking a break would do you some good Kristy!I hope you can go away on vacations and relax!Always thinking of you!

    Reply

  7. Boldly Going ... to Dallas, Texas, USA!
    Jul 26, 2008 @ 16:25:22

    Hi KristyI agree, but I reckon 2 weeks would be better! Somewhere tropical , realxing, sunny and warm, where you can just get away from STUFF. Go have some fun and don’t feel guilty about enjoying yourself. God has provided for you, not to be selfish but you do need to take care of yourself to a certain degree. Do what Jesus did, John 2:12 head off to Capernaum (a seaside village) and do nothing.

    Reply

  8. Anonymous
    Aug 06, 2008 @ 12:37:44

    Hey Kristy, firstly i want to say that you should most definately write a book. You write with such beauty and truth. Your courage is clearly seen through your words and i have loved reading every one of your blogs, even the ones that would have been so painful to write. I would also like to say that no-one should tell you where you should be, or at what point you need to be by now. I can’t even imagine where i would be if i went through what you have. It strikes me as humourous that anyone could even begin to understand your pain, never mind assume at what point you should be. You are a true inspiration! I know you feel like you’ve got a long way to go, but remember one step at a time… God will give you the strength to see ahead… one step at a time. Our thoughts and prayers continue to be lifted toward Heaven for you. Love ya lots.

    Reply

  9. Mandy Owens
    Aug 09, 2008 @ 14:45:49

    what a marvelous plan than sounds like!!! a tropical holiday… i really wish you would take it! yay for loose ends getting tied up… the more tied, the better if it leaves you feeling more relieved. love you!!!

    Reply

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