Where We’re At

Things have been a little better around here lately. Matter of fact, in the past 2-3 weeks, it’s the very.first.time that I’ve got to the point of feeling like I’ve stepped up a notch on the recovery scale. It’s not that I’m not recognising any progress before now but, finally, after four months (!!!), I feel like the base level has actually risen slightly. I realise there’s still a long way to go. I know that I will still crash and I am still up and down, anyway, but the bottom doesn’t seem to be as low as it has for the past four months. I’ve been a bit nervous about saying anything for fear that I would crash and it would be obvious I hadn’t got that far. However, I do feel a little different and my pastor also agrees with my assessment, so maybe we’ve go it right. šŸ™‚

I’m still pretty dependent on people and I am incredibly thankful for the amazing people that I’m surrounded by that bend over backwards to help me out. I’ve stayed the last few days in town with a family from my house church (small group) and that’s been just what I’ve needed. It’s been great being closer to everything, for a start. If I flake out, I don’t have to worry about still having to drive out home (which isn’t far on a good day but does worry me when I’m not feeling safe to drive). Staying with people has given me more confidence to go out alone because there’s still somebody to come home to and I know there’s someone watching my back from a distance. I’ve loved being in a home again with small children–it’s been a long time! On the children’s book-reading tally, I think I’m up to twenty-three…really, it’s quite amazing that I still have a working voice box!! šŸ˜€

Since I’ve been here, I’ve also had what felt like my best night since Steve died. It didn’t take me long to get to sleep (very unusual) and, though it was shorter than ideal, I also didn’t have to get up once that night for any reason (also very unusual). Both of those have probably been unheard of separately but together? Definitely a ground-breaking first!

It was possibly that which made me realise that I haven’t woken up in a panic at night for a few weeks now. I may not be quite done with that, but it was at least a weekly occurrence previously. There would almost never be anything that would set it off; it wasn’t from dreaming or noises. However, I would just wake up abruptly feeling panicky and afraid. I wasn’t afraid of or about anything–just afraid. I would have to turn the light on and just lay there telling myself to breathe. Often, I would think a few “God, help me” and just tell myself rational thoughts such as all the available people I could call on if I actually ended up needing help. I would eventually drift off to sleep with the light on and then I’d be ok. I’d wake up again later, turn it off and be fine the rest of the night. I’m not characterised by this type of thing and it was certainly nothing rational that you could talk yourself out of. The scariest was when Kat was here. I woke up panicky and knew somebody was with me in the house that could help if needed but, for the life of me, I couldn’t remember who was staying with me. That was pretty darn scary. It may have only been seconds till I worked it out; I don’t know. It seemed like a freakin’ long time!

For the past two weeks, I’ve gone to the playgroup at church. A couple of my friends have taken it over this term which has helped me feel ‘brave’ enough to stick my head in. It goes a lot quicker than I expected and I’ve really enjoyed being there. One of these days, I may actually end up as a volunteer in it but we’ll just take it a week at a time for now. šŸ™‚ I’m slow to commit at the moment because I hate to let people down if I crash and can’t make it. The day is coming, I’m sure. I’m hoping that really soon I can start working part-time for some friends in their home-based office.

We had girls’ night at the movies last night. It’s the first time I’ve been to the movies for six months and I made it through without spoiling the night for anybody! šŸ˜› I had to laugh afterwards when I mentioned to a friend that I’d had fun and how things are all a matter of perspective. My definition of having fun included making it through the movie, feeling edgy and constantly sipping on water, taking a good few deep breaths, ducking out for a toilet break and removing surplus layers of insulation so that I could stop feeling hot (not a good thing when you’re trying to remain calm) and kicking my shoes on and off to further assist with temperature control. Mind you, most of this went unnoticed to people other than myself and I happened to laugh, enjoy the movie, have an opinion of it, make it through the night and enjoy the outing and the people I was with. So that equals fun in my current dictionary. šŸ™‚

Today, I’m having an “at home” day. I’ve done a fair bit of stuff alone this week, as well as a new things, and I think I need to have a breather from stretching myself. There’s an interesting emotional tug-of-war, too. I do something like go to the movies last night and have “fun” and feel a little bit psyched that I can still start to slowly enjoy life again. Of course, the flip side of that is feeling like I shouldn’t be having fun without Steve. He’s left such a hole in my life and my heart that I struggle with feeling like moving forward equals leaving him behind (which it is) which equals dishonouring him (which it isn’t).

As I start to think about life future, I struggle with knowing that people will probably move from wishing I’d get my act together to wondering how I could do this or that so quickly. I wonder if his friends will feel that I’ve forgotten him or any other such thing. I hope they don’t because I know that I will always, always miss Steve regardless of whatever the future holds. I know that I will always be grateful for the time I had with him and the privilege of having been his wife. I know that he will always have a special place in my heart.


8 Comments (+add yours?)

    Aug 07, 2008 @ 12:56:46

    So glad to hear! Love ya lots, as always. Crashing for the night just wanted to stop by and say g’day…Narelle


  2. Jen
    Aug 07, 2008 @ 14:55:21

    Thanks for the update. Been praying for you.


  3. Robyn
    Aug 07, 2008 @ 15:07:05

    So glad to hear that you’ve had some better days! I’m sure NOBODY could imagine that you are forgetting Steve. Praying for you…


  4. Jewelz
    Aug 07, 2008 @ 16:13:28

    Love you lots!I haven’t talked to you for awhile. It’s good to hear how you’re going


  5. Susanna
    Aug 07, 2008 @ 17:01:59

    Praying for you and rejoicing that you are feeling a bit better.


  6. Krista
    Aug 08, 2008 @ 01:14:12

    It sounds like you are living your life as best you can. I struggled with panic attacks some years ago and they can be devastating–I can’t imagine the intensity of panic attacks as a widow!My husband and I have been praying regularly for you. Your openness about your struggles have made me more prayerful for my aunt who is also a widow.I am so sorry for your loss, but remain confident that the Lord will continue to sustain you. He promised that he will heal those who mourn, and he always keeps his promises.


  7. april penny
    Aug 09, 2008 @ 02:03:03

    I’m so glad that things are getting better, even if it is only a little bit. Praying for you.


  8. tootie
    Aug 09, 2008 @ 22:43:53

    What a blessing! I’m so glad that you’re feeling a little better. I’m thinking of you!


Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )


Connecting to %s

%d bloggers like this: