Since You Asked…

Gotta love how people who don’t know me feel they have the right to set me straight–especially when they don’t leave me any option to contact them in return.

I don’t blog about others on here because how they are coping is their business to display to the world. I’ve linked multiple times to Matt’s blog who, obviously, was one of Steve’s best mates and his best man. I’ve previously linked to other of our friends (Jo, Ali and Karen) and they all posted about Steve’s death and whatever they want public of their life. If there’s nothing on there that gives you any clue, it’s pretty obvious they’d rather keep their personal life to themselves. You could always leave a comment and ask them and see if you get a reply.

I hate that Steve’s friends have lost him, I really do. Before getting that comment, I was looking at a picture of a group of us this morning that has Steve and Matt being silly together in it. I had a sad smile and chuckle at the two wallies and just wished that it could still be the same. I was thinking how I’d wish Steve back for Matt about as much as I’d wish him back for me. I was thinking about how I could tell Matt that and I’ve certainly already mentioned something similar to Simun, our groomsman. I tried to dress up punk the other night for Sal’s party purely because Steve would have made the effort for them and I know just how much they meant to each other–and believe me, that was w-a-y out of my comfort zone!!!

Steve and his youngest sister, Miriam, were very close and my heart hurts at the particularly big hole he’s left behind in her heart. I hate that his parents have no son to leave the farm to and carry on the family name and I’ve said that many times. I wish I could change it but I can’t. I hate that Steve and I can’t give them the grandchildren I know they were looking forward to.

As far as Steve’s family go, my mother-in-law wasn’t ever the biggest fan of blogging and I’m pretty sure they wouldn’t be happy to find their weekly happenings up on my blog. My father-in-law jokingly told me off for posting a photo that had him in it without his permission so yeah…don’t think he’d like to find his personal life blogged by somebody else!

One of my brothers-in-law (Steve’s sister’s husband) isn’t at all taken by the idea of blogging either and I can guarantee they wouldn’t want me blogging about their lives. They also live five hours away and while I see them when I can, it’s not extremely often. The other sister and brother-in-law, while very computer savvy, are quite private people and, while they might tell me how they’re coping, certainly wouldn’t want it up on my blog–totally aside from the fact that they’ve been away for the last month on a “no-contact” holiday as well as also living five hours away.

If you know my in-laws and want to know how they’re doing, contact them! They’d love it. If you don’t know them, I’m afraid you’re stuck with just presuming that it’s hard on them and they need your prayers too.

There’s a lot that’s been going on in the background that never makes it to this blog. People who know me read between the lines. If you don’t know me and don’t have any contact with me other than reading this blog, there’s a lot that you miss out on knowing. I do what I can for other people when I can. Just because I don’t blog it doesn’t mean I don’t do it. Do I really need to blog when I bake for people or write to people or visit people or try to encourage people??

I meet regularly with my pastor and his wife and they’re encouraged with how I’m doing–and they do truly know the good, the bad and the in-between. They also know how many of life’s major stresses that I’ve managed to cram into 12 months and say that I’m definitely in the category of needing to be very careful. Apparently, losing a spouse is the highest of life’s stressors alone and there’s a lot more that I qualify for behind that. The last thing I want to do is fail to recover. I’ve been reading up on things a lot and I happen to be pretty normal. Some people have handled it better; others have handled it a lot worse. I do look forward to the day when it can be an even two-way street between me and all these wonderful supportive people I have around me.

I don’t have enough time to blog every little thing that would paint a perfect picture of where I’m at. I wrote a blog last night about the encouraging things that have happened and got disconnected from the internet before I could publish it. I’ll do that after this. I’m only on dial-up at the moment (which is killing me! lol) and I’d like to be able to blog a lot more than I have been but everything just takes so long. My e-mails and keeping up with other people are my internet priorities. Oh, and house-hunting!

If you’re a friend walking this daily journey with me outside of my blog, I’ll try to listen to what you have to say when you think I’m wrong. If you’ve been widowed, I’ll try to learn from you. If you’ve walked the road of suffering, you’re highly unlikely to sit down and try to set me straight–as I’ve seen from many of the “kindred spirit” comments that I’ve been left. But if you haven’t walked in my shoes–and especially if you don’t even know me–please don’t try to be my Holy Spirit.

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21 Comments (+add yours?)

  1. Anna
    Aug 07, 2008 @ 13:41:59

    I’ve been reading since Crystal linked you at Biblical Womanhood, and I think it is a pity that someone has tried to use your blog as a platform to instruct you on your need to love others. Of course you need to love others – but I think that’s something the people in your life are supposed to tell you, because they actually know you and how you live. We only have what we see from your writings. I for one think you are handling your grief with grace and recovering with courage. Of course, as a sister in Christ I desire to see you find Him more precious than anything in this world and to find His hope through the midst of this horrible tragedy. But I know you are taking baby steps, and all I want to do for you, a stranger, is to be an encouragement to you and think of and pray for you in your grief.Thank you for being brave enough to share your thoughts with the online world – I can already tell that God is going to use in the lives of others who have weathered similar storms. Continue letting the people in your life speak to your heart, and don’t let yourself carry the concern and burden of discouragement from those who don’t know you.Hope in Christ…

    Reply

  2. Anna
    Aug 07, 2008 @ 13:45:05

    P.S. I know I’ve written a book already, but I think it is harsh and ridiculous to say that you shouldn’t be so sad because you didn’t know your husband for very long. “Bob” must not understand marriage very well… it is a bond that is deep and intimate and utterly unique, and having it torn apart forever is an unimaginable pain, whether you’ve known each other for twenty years or not.

    Reply

  3. emma
    Aug 07, 2008 @ 14:10:09

    wow… i don’t know you, and was one of those who found you when someone posted about your husband.. you should NEVER have to explain or defend what you write here.. NEVER. “bob” or whomever had the audacity to tell you how to grieve can just shove it.. this is YOUR place, you can say WHATEVER you want, and it shouldn’t be catered to people, especially those who question how you’re feeling after such an immense tragedy..i don’t get why people respond if they don’t have something uplifting to say.. i am sorry that you receive comments like this, you should receive nothing but support when you bare your sole to the world like you do.. as you said, your friends can speak to you personally, people like “bob” who throw around condescending christian terms and tell you how you should be grieving need to take a few steps back into reality.. they have some nerve. keep your eyes focused on the One who will sustain you through this journey and know that you have touched alot of people by your willingness to share you journey through this grief..please know you’re honesty is refreshing, i am sorry

    Reply

  4. Robyn
    Aug 07, 2008 @ 15:04:13

    I’m so in agreement with Anna and Emma! I’ve been surprised that people seem to think you “should” be at a certain stage “by now” etc and a little stunned that people who presumably don’t know you in real life would be doling out advice. To be honest coming to your blog and commenting I feel slightly silly because all I really feel ok about saying is that I’m praying for you, and that I’m just so, so sorry – and that probably gets a bit repititious!

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  5. Jewelz
    Aug 07, 2008 @ 16:19:28

    I agree. I don’t think there’s anything more that I can say 🙂This IS your blog, and you have a right to post whatever you want, whenever you want.

    Reply

  6. Susanna
    Aug 07, 2008 @ 17:15:35

    Hey there. That was a gracious and kind post when to be honest, you had the right to feel quite upset. I apologise now if I have ever tried to give you advice. I do think it is hard for people not to say what they think ‘ought to be said’ – I am seeing it all over the bloggosphere at the moment- but the lack of thought and grace it displays makes me quite sad. I think if people want to say things like that they should e-mail personally. And as you said, no one blogs everything. I was criticised recently for referring to struggling with motherhood- maybe I will have to blog each laugh and smile instead!Those of us who do not ‘know you’ and have not experienced what you have should maybe pray rather than seek to advise.It ould be more edifying all round!Oh, and honouring Steve’s family is honouring Steve and I hope people realise that.

    Reply

  7. Rel
    Aug 07, 2008 @ 20:02:29

    Oh my! The audacity and insensitivity of some people!Your blog shows your heart and love for your family and friends – nothing more needs to be said.Hugs and more from me 🙂

    Reply

  8. Cheryl Klarich
    Aug 07, 2008 @ 23:01:06

    Thank you for sharing your heart and soul with everyone who checks in. I am impressed at how honest and real your writing is. Please accept the prayers and tears from this “stranger”. May you feel tender hugs from those you trust.Cheryl

    Reply

  9. Winky
    Aug 07, 2008 @ 23:11:41

    Hi ThereFor some reason I sense aggression in your response to my comment and, for some reason you also feel the need to want to justify yourself.<>I was never suggesting that you should detail the intimate lives of others on your blog, but purely trying to encourage you to write about some of the more positive aspects amongst the grief.<>For example – <>“had a lovely chat with my in-laws today”<> instead of <>“I woke up feeling so flat”<>.I simply commented to you with genuine love and I make no apologies for the words I’ve written – Believe me, you have absolutely no idea of the pain and grief that I (and the Lord) have worked through in my life – certainly something <>I would never share on a blog<>, especially if I was not willing to accept criticism.I genuinely wish you well, and was only trying to encourage you to focus on the positives of life.As you get older, you will understand that life, even as a Christian is not always ‘perfect’. Even Sampson, in his time of great difficulty, regret and sin, looked deep into his soul and found strength, and succeeded in glorifying God! I am only encouraging you to do the same.Best of luck with your healing.Yours in Christ,Bob.

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  10. J..Grace
    Aug 07, 2008 @ 23:39:45

    I came here to comment and have found so many who’ve echoed my thoughts on those insensitive words!! I have to say, dear Kristy, that I’m constantly amazed at your daily steps of courage – how “big” or “small” those things may be are completely individual – no right or wrong ways.I see (& have seen) an incredibly courageous and generous young woman who is willing to (in the midst of unimaginable grief)openly, honestly, unselfishly share her journey throught pain with others – grief shared supports others who are also greiving… I know there are so many who have been encouraged by your journalling (not all comment on your blog). You can’t properly heal if you lock up your true feelings in order to act “proper”!We are SO proud of you and ALL the steps you take… you go girl!! =)Love you so very much… continuing to pray for you…Jacqui xoxoxo

    Reply

  11. izitjo
    Aug 08, 2008 @ 08:21:47

    Wow, bit of a hornets nest, hey!? Well, all I can say is – thank God for love. As one of your real life friends I’ve never heard you claim perfection or expertise at grieving the ‘right’ way. As an average imperfect human being you’ve chosen to expose yourself in one of the most difficult periods of your life… and got dumped on by a stranger. It’s been the risk you’ve taken. You can be confident of this though, that for every person who wants to point out areas they think you can grow, there’s a few hundred more who trust that God is capable of that job, as he is in all our lives (Phil 1:6). Love you

    Reply

  12. Janine (txmomx6)
    Aug 08, 2008 @ 08:31:19

    I am stunned by “bob” and anon. Stunned almost beyond words! As someone who is on this path with you I cannot believe these words were typed. And they were NOT done in love. They were done in total ignorance and with a feeling of spiritual superiority. The grief one experiences from the death of a spouse (at least a true spouse in every sense of the Word) is beyond compare. There is no “positive” aspect of this grief at 4 months. Shame on those two. Shame. I pray that they NEVER have to endure this path. I wouldn’t wish it on my worst enemy. Not on any Pharisee, either.You are doing an awesome job of grieving in the “open”. One breath at a time. And you are a shining light on a very dark road.

    Reply

  13. joyfulone525
    Aug 08, 2008 @ 13:35:45

    I have to agree with just about everyone here–you should never ever be minimized for sharing your heart, nor should you have to fit the mold of what others think you should…that is the most dangerous and dammaging thing about a lot of Christians who believe that cliches are the answer. I’m sure “Bob” and “annonymous” may have felt they were being helpful–but your journey is not theirs and I personally am blessed by your honesty. I sincerely wish I could walk with you outside of this blog but know that you are never far from my thoughts and prayers, dear Sister.

    Reply

  14. sumi
    Aug 08, 2008 @ 15:03:30

    Kristy, I have formulated and re-formulated a reply only to delete it numerous times. I don’t like slamming people. I can understand Bob’s good intentions, but I have to say the man is seriously misguided. He sounds just like the guy who told me , 4 weeks after my little girl went to be with Jesus, that he was genuinely concerned that I was getting stuck in a grief cycle and that I needed to move on.As I worked through his words and questioned whether God was trying to say something to me through him, it occurred to me that first of all, God’s words to me are always accompanied by peace. I was striving to keep a pure heart before God and this man’s words almost knocked my footing out from under me. They were not from God. Secondly, it was simply not this man’s place to attempt to speak into my life in this way. Like you said, a blog is simply a snapshot of a small fraction of our daily lives and cannot possibly capture everything. There is so much that goes unsaid. It is presumptious to take the words of someone’s blog and to assume you know the full story. I had rather be quiet now, else I will say things I will regret. I have said too much already. Biting my tongue…big time…HUGS…you are walking this road as only you can, with great authenticity, before God. He doesn’t require any more of you than that.With much love and respect, Sumi

    Reply

  15. Stitchingmum
    Aug 08, 2008 @ 17:07:06

    As someone who does see the ‘every day’, and is struggling to hold up my end of the bargain in our friendship because of my own life ‘stuff’ that needs dealing with ATM, I am grateful that you can say what you do, on the blog and IRL. To echo a previous comment, you don’t claim to be perfect, going through the ‘right’ grieving process, and I know that it takes a bit more courage each day to deal with the unknown, to deal with the ‘what if’s?’, to shield yourself from the thoughts and opinions of others. To open yourself up willingly to these possibilities shows a strength of character – a willingess to take a risk of criticism. And that is something many people strive for in life. I had someone say to me recently that even if we can’t see the end to a journey, whatever it is, it is there. We, as humans, struggle to deal with the unknown, to trust God with unknown, to trust Him to guide us when we can’t see where we’re going. to continue to step out into the unknown, no matter how ‘well’ we do it or not (or perceive to do it or not), takes courage and faith. You, my girl, continue to do that. That breathing thing seems to be helping 😉

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  16. Mrs.Naz@BecomingMe
    Aug 09, 2008 @ 03:29:47

    I’ve been away from the blog land for a few weeks. Those comments were upsetting. You know, last night, I watched the Chapman family on Larry King Live discuss the death of their little girl, Maria, and when asked the question about how to help others with grief, Steven replied that the best comfort they got was from those who simply said “There are no words to say. I am so sorry. I’m just going to sit here with you.”This is your journey, Steve was/is, your love and God is holding you still. I will continue to pray for you as always. And I agree with so much of what Anna wrote. You are brave to share this with the world. This is your blog, a place for you to share as much or as little as you like.Blessings to you. Angela

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  17. Mandy Owens
    Aug 09, 2008 @ 15:20:40

    I’m so glad to see you addressed Bob’s comment (and the one that followed his), because it irritated me to no end… only proving that Bob does not know you, and has somehow turned a blind-eye to the MANY positive aspects you have sited on your blog. I want to believe that the Bobs of the world really do mean well. And might I add that I’m so glad you have the courage to write so rawly about the healing process… if everyone who was grieving only spoke of happy chats with the in-laws, how helpless the hurting would feel!!! Thanks for your honesty. You truly are an amazing woman, and I love you dearly.

    Reply

  18. Nicole
    Aug 09, 2008 @ 17:42:23

    Ha! People!!!!!!!!It has nothing to compare but my daughter has a food blog and she has been getting very nasty comments about the way she eat regarding what she put up on her blog!! But of course she will not talk about every menue of the week! And then you are jugged, and it is not fair, they haven’t got all the picture!You are free to share what you want and this blog is your space and your freedom.We can see you are a courageous young women, and I feel so sorry about all that crushed your dreams and your love.I have a lot of admiration.

    Reply

  19. Luanne
    Aug 12, 2008 @ 23:30:54

    Just want you to know I think it is wonderful that you are writing whatever your feelings are. 14+ years post death of a spouse I know that writing my feelings whatever they were aided my grief. Shouting my anger to God, I discovered was okay too. Atleast it kept the line of communication open. I know he held me and felt my pain. Quoting from Rick Warren in his book The Purpose Driven Life he says:“Ministry begins with vulnerability. The more you let down your guard, take off your mask, and share your struggles, the more God will be able to use you in serving others.” He goes on to say, “Vulnerability is risky. It can be scary to lower your defenses and open up your life to others. When you reveal your failures, feelings, frustrations, and fears, you risk rejection. Vulnerability is emotionally liberating. Opening up relieves stress, defuses your fears, and is the first step to freedom.” At the end of the chapter the question to consider was: Am I limiting God’s power in my life by trying to hide my weakness? What do I need to be honest about in order to help others?”All I can say is Write on Sister, write on.Luanne

    Reply

  20. LeAnn
    Aug 13, 2008 @ 02:01:27

    Girl… you answer to no one but God! It amazes me that, while they may have good intentions, people can be very insensitive. It’s your blog. You can write about the weather if you want to! I pray that the outpouring of comments you are receiving is confirming and encouraging to you. Know that you are loved, you are prayed for, and you are supported by us all.You go girl!Blessings,LeAnn

    Reply

  21. Patricia
    Aug 15, 2008 @ 13:25:00

    Sorry BOB, but I disagree completely with you.Everyone has their own pathway in grief and some take longer or shorter through each stage.She didn’t write “had a lovely chat with my in-laws today” because that’s NOT what she felt. She FELT FLAT! GET it- FLAT! It’s a statement about FEELINGS. That’s where Kristy’s at right now.Kristy, I admire you and I hope you are healing.God blessPatricia from CANADA

    Reply

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