Rambling Or Ranting Or Something

I’m really down tonight. It’s just so wrong that Steve is not here to celebrate his birthday with us. Our house church (home group) met tonight and used it as a night to remember him. Steve had a bit of a reputation in the fruit crumble-making department and I had one left in the freezer that he had made. Everybody lined up to get a serving of that! We also had the top tier of our wedding cake which was fruit cake and made especially for him. A couple of days after he died, I opened the cupboard and saw it sitting there, uncut and untasted, and bawled my eyes out. We cut it tonight.

We all miss him. I think everybody was just glad to get to spend the evening together with other people who would normally be celebrating/acknowledging his birthday instead of just carrying it around quietly and individually. Steve has left a huge hole in the lives of many people. He will never be forgotten by those who knew him but it’s really hard to come to terms (for many of us) that there are children who will never know or remember him and other people that will come into our lives who won’t ever get to know this oh-so-loved guy that everybody talks about now. That naturally contributes to the fact that, as time goes on, he will end up featuring less in conversation and there isn’t really any way around it–yet every fibre of our being fights against that. At the same time, there are some stories that I don’t think will EVER be forgotten…such as a certain one relating to a campfire and fireworks (Hey, Troy!?)…

So I miss him and I’m so tired of all the work to just keep living without him. Actually, I’m just plain tired. I’ve had sleeping issues for the last couple of months so I’m always tired, anyway, but I’ve been working hard for the last couple of weeks and like a Nazi for the last few days. In other words, REALLY HARD!!! I’m very proud of my accomplishments but I’m exhausted.

Emotionally, I can barely keep up with all the changes happening at the moment. Some days, I feel like I can’t and that I’m on the brink of losing it. I did drop my bundle on Sunday. There was just way too much for me to cope with. The majority of this year has been catastrophic loss followed by lesser loss after loss. I really need that holiday I talked about and all those things that looked like they were starting to wrap up back then are still likely to go on for another couple of months. It’s all moving but at glacier speed and it’s nobody’s fault–just the way it is. If you’re into praying for miracles, you could pray it’ll be all finalised before Christmas…


11 Comments (+add yours?)

  1. Jen
    Oct 15, 2008 @ 22:57:00

    I’ll be praying its all finalized by Christmas. I’m praying for you, too.


  2. lauren clark
    Oct 15, 2008 @ 23:42:00

    You’ve GOT to come and stay with me.


    Oct 16, 2008 @ 01:18:00

    Love you….just got back into town, will be praying n’ praying. Write to me…or do you have a landline # I can call you on? I haven’t called ’cause I knew you were here n’ there….so let me know, as I’d love to hear/chat with you. Heading off till Sunday… Hang in there, be strong, and know that we love you.Nari


  4. Laura :)
    Oct 16, 2008 @ 10:07:00

    I am definitely into praying for miracles. I will pray for extra miracles for you. I hope it helps in some small way to know that others hurt for you and even cry for you. I pray for you often, especially if you don’t post. When you do post, I know how to pray for you. I do appreciate that you share your heart with us. ((((hug))))Laura šŸ™‚


  5. Lisa writes...
    Oct 16, 2008 @ 10:11:00

    I am thankful you shared an evening of memories with others who love Steve as well. I think maybe it helps to grieve in community sometimes? Still praying…


  6. Robyn
    Oct 16, 2008 @ 11:43:00

    Its lovely that Steve’s friends were able to be together with you – what a special way to celebrate him. I’m praying its all done by Christmas too…. you don’t need any extra hassles. I’m totally curious about the campfire/fireworks if ever you feel like elaborating…. šŸ™‚


  7. Anonymous
    Oct 16, 2008 @ 11:53:00

    Stephen and Lorraine said:I don’t hear any rambling or ranting, rather another trigger that creates another wave of emotions and memories, all quite reasonable, though as you say, a challenge. Yes, we will be praying for you as you need, and by Christmas as well. Though one does not get always what one wants, God does tell us to ask anyway, and He will make the pathway for you. And I have found this verse for us, those that read your Blog and need to respond: God tells us in Isaiah:Learn to do good; Seek justice, Rebuke the oppressor; Defend the fatherless, Plead for the widow. 18 ā€œ Come now, and let us reason together,ā€ Says the LORD, So my fellow believers, let us plead with God for our dear Sister…Keep your chin up, as my parents say to me, and – remember to float occasionally, rather than be swimming all the time, floating is at times just fine.


  8. Sherrin
    Oct 16, 2008 @ 16:39:00

    I’m grateful that you have people to share Steve’s birthday with, who also grieve.


  9. Anonymous
    Oct 16, 2008 @ 21:26:00

    Thanks for sharing Steve’s crumble and your cake with us, such a special thing for us all. You have certainly been working hard and should be proud of yourself! You have achieved a huge amount in the last couple of weeks. We are proud of you too. Hang in there my special friend. I’m praying for you. Love Sarah xx


  10. Cassandra
    Oct 17, 2008 @ 12:59:00

    Hi Kristy,My name is Cassandra. I have been reading your blog for awhile now and I haven’t wanted to comment before as it is so hard to know what to say to someone that will be encouraging to them and not the exact opposite. I really feel for you in your sorrow and pray that God will surround you with His everlasting arms and give you his peace. Keep up the good work. I’ll be praying for you.


  11. Anonymous
    Oct 21, 2008 @ 16:58:00

    Hey Kristy,Great ramble…reminds me of someone else who is good at it.Yep… Great memories of Steve. Yes I’ll never forget the campfire shenanigans. We thought of him on his Birthday too. You guys did a good thing with the cakes.Praying you get what you want for Christmas. I’ll agree for that.Troy


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