The Way Things Are

I’m struggling a bit at the moment. There’s decisions pending that have big ramifications and responsibilities looming that I feel very incapable of dealing with. There’s seeming inevitabilities that I’m fighting and extremely-unlikelies that I’m wishing for.

A guy I grew up with asked me recently if it was true that “Time is a great healer” and were things any better or easier for me now than when Steve first died. My reply was that it’s just different.

The struggles are in different areas. Life now is definitely more of a slog than it was earlier in the piece. It really is quite hard to keep dragging one foot in front of the other. It’s not nearly as hard to merely exist now but it is a lot harder to fight towards a new life (and believe me, “fight” is the correct word because the old life definitely doesn’t want to be left behind). At the same time, I am doing a lot better in certain areas, though if I look to where I ultimately need to be it’s very discouraging and you wonder if you’ll ever be normal again–whatever normal is. And I’ll admit that I thought it would be easier by now than it is.

In yet other areas, distance in time from the tragedy brings up new issues. It’s harder to be honest (at least face-to-face) when you sense the (probably innocent) confusion that it’s “taking so long” behind the question of “how are you coping”…if the question even gets asked. Or sometimes it’s hard not to expect that behind the question. It’s not so much that I care much what a lot of people think…because unless they’ve walked the path of widowhood or truly try to put themselves in my shoes, there’s just no way to comprehend it and I can tell myself that…but I just don’t want to hear about it.

As silly as it sounds, it’s hard enough to keep feeling integrated in (particularly a new) church and society while you come to terms with a whole new role in life. I’m not married; I’m not single by the traditional definition; I’m don’t have kids; I’m not elderly. Young, childless widows aren’t exactly a large category. I’m struggling to feel like I really fit anywhere. I do realise that this is just part of the struggle of coming to terms with a new life role and that I am definitely part of the hearts of my house church folk (and some others) but it’s hard not to just withdraw.

In the midst of new tears, though, I was blessed with a few things in the past few days. I’ve felt a new level of care and compassion from a direction that was previously hurting. I’ve received a card from a church member that I barely know who said that God woke her up in the middle of the night with me on her mind. I received a blog award for being “real”. I’ve received an extremely encouraging Facebook message (from somebody I’d never heard of, but knew Steve, whose parents attend my church) saying that they’d discovered my blog and found it inspiring. Etc. These things are priceless. It doesn’t take much to show somebody in pain that you care.

This morning, I wrote a letter to God. This is something I’ve done off and on for the past eight years as part of my hard-copy journalling. My journals switch back and forth between straight journalling and praying-on-paper and sometimes one type of entry blends into the other. At least, they used to. So today I sat down and wrote to God exactly what I’m angry about with Him at the moment and why. And do you know what? I felt better. Maybe He just liked that I was actually speaking to Him for a change, in spite of what I had to say…

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8 Comments (+add yours?)

  1. Jewelz
    Nov 17, 2008 @ 11:50:00

    I’m sorry that I don’t write more often. You are very real on here, and I appreciate it. It’s really good to know how you’re going. I love you lots and lots!I’m still praying for you 🙂

    Reply

  2. Laura :)
    Nov 17, 2008 @ 12:15:00

    Just keep going, Kristy. I am praying for you and I know lots of other readers are.I was glad to see that you let God know how you feel. I know He is holding you right now. God sees the big picture and I KNOW He has happy times for you ahead. You WILL laugh again. (I have never been widowed and have no idea how you feel, but I know that God has a plan in this and wants you to smile and enjoy life again.) I know it’s hard when others have their ideas about your grief, but take your time. I don’t believe you can grieve properly without going through all of this. You cared deeply and therefore you hurt deeply. I’m praying for you and I’ll go back and reread the first few lines you wrote so I can pray for your needs in the near future.Laura 🙂If I lived close by, I could “shout you lunch” and you could teach my daughter the unit on Australia!!! LOL!!!

    Reply

  3. gram
    Nov 17, 2008 @ 12:42:00

    i read something in a book this week that spoke to me: “the pain isn’t less but i am getting stronger”. somehow, that made sense. still praying. j

    Reply

  4. Anonymous
    Nov 17, 2008 @ 17:41:00

    I’ve stumbled across your blog and when I read that you were angry at God and were justifiably finding it hard to meet with him, it reminded me of a book I’ve read recently – The Shack by William P. Young. It’s about being mad at God and working out how to walk with him when you don’t understand the tragic events that have touched you. Interesting outlook on who God is.Check it out at http://theshackbook.com/Blessings to you,Kate

    Reply

  5. Stitchingmum
    Nov 17, 2008 @ 21:52:00

    He always loves it when you talk to Him sweet girl, whatever it is you’ve got to say 🙂 I still pray, and will keep praying, that you can re-establish this dialogue, and because it is a two-way conversation, even when it feels like we’re the ones doing all the talking. Love you for keepin’ it real 🙂

    Reply

  6. Grace
    Nov 18, 2008 @ 23:55:00

    Hi Kristy,i cant remember exatly how i came across your blog but it is not long ago. Just feel to let you know that your blog is inspiring me to appreciate my marriage more(wedded in June)and work towards glorifying God in it.I wont lie i pray all the time for you, but when i think about you, i always whisper you name to God.Blessings and know that “all our days were ordered of Him before we were born into this world” and that “H will never bring our way what we cannot handle.”.Blessings,GraceNairobi, Kenya(Africa).

    Reply

  7. Robyn
    Nov 19, 2008 @ 16:27:00

    I’m finally getting a chance to check in on blogs, and want you to know that I’m praying for you even when I don’t get to come to your blog as often. I’m so sorry for the ongoing struggles…I wish things could be easier but I don’t know that there could be an “easy” way to grieve. I am glad that you’re speaking to God though, He’s a good listener! Continuing to pray…..

    Reply

  8. Lisa writes...
    Nov 20, 2008 @ 09:11:00

    Trust in him at all times…pour out your heart before him; God is a refuge for us (Ps. 62:8)Keep pouring it out in the only safe place: God himself! He will prove to be a safe place of refuge for you!And hey, for the record, I too find your blog (your faith, your vulnerability) inspiring…

    Reply

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