Pieces of Glass

A while ago, I mentioned I wanted a copy of this book and I recently bought one and read it this week. It’s good when somebody writes like this. The more people you can relate to, the more ‘normal’ you feel! I hope that my blog does this for those people who are too private to share or who don’t have a safe place.

I wonder why the single life seems like suffering to me. I am not very good at it. Much nobler people make the single life venerable. Why do I long to find my fulfillment in someone else’s eyes? Am I shallow? Am I insecure? I had felt God’s presence powerfully while I was in love, like God himself had sent someone to take care of my heart and protect me. Now I have no love, and it seems God is gone too. The faith that has supported me from my earliest memories seems to be sputtering. I feel myself lurching for God, longing for that deep constant awareness of his presence. Like a blind woman in the darkness, I grope but find nothing. “Have you deserted me, too, God?” I whisper, afraid to speak the words, afraid to doubt, afraid to admit that my broken heart feels forgotten. My prayer echoes. No one is there and my heart is heavy with loss.” (p21-22)

“…I feel like a wreck…I’ve just been so tired…I feel like I’m half a person. But I thought that was just the reality of my situation, you know, learning to live without Paul… Even when I go to church, I’m as fragile as glass…Worst of all, I don’t know where to turn for wisdom or comfort…I just know I’m alone–mind, body, and soul. And I’m so fragile that the least bit of indifference from anyone is, well, so jarring that it feels like heartbreak or treason…I’ve been frustrated by my inability to function. I haven’t understood where grief ends and insanity begins. It seems crazy that the simplest tasks are daunting and overwhelming to me, when before I had somehow managed to have so much strength and dignity. I had always relied on two things, God’s faithfulness and my almost impeccable instincts. Now everything is gone, but at least I’m beginning to understand why [post-traumatic depression].” (p28-29)

“I understand that my pain is never going to save me, it only gives me perspective and compassion. But if I can write from pain, then I can write from anywhere. To write is to love and to start to live again.” (p62)

Advertisements

6 Comments (+add yours?)

  1. Anonymous
    Dec 17, 2008 @ 17:00:00

    Oh My Gosh!!! This is exactly how I’m feeling. My poor pastor does not know how to deal with what I’m feeling. But, this could of been written by me. If you could, would you please e-mail me the title and author of this book. I think I need to read it. NO, I know I NEED to read it. Thank you in advance. Josephine dixiecajuns@hotmail.com

    Reply

  2. chadlinski
    Dec 17, 2008 @ 22:13:00

    Sounds like a good book! … its always really comforting to know that someone is being really transparent in their struggles so that others too can relate to it and realise that its pretty normal to experience it hey! 🙂

    Reply

  3. Janine (txmomx6)
    Dec 18, 2008 @ 01:00:00

    Wow– that says so much. For me, too. Especially today and tomorrow.Thank you … again.Janine

    Reply

  4. Chel
    Dec 18, 2008 @ 13:28:00

    that is powerful! wow! i’m so glad you know there are plenty of others out there, who are in the same position as you.keep on keeping on! you have lots of people behind you 🙂love Chel

    Reply

  5. Sources of Joy
    Dec 20, 2008 @ 08:05:00

    hi, i’m back. i came a while ago and said i’d be praying, but lost touch after our couple of emails. just wanted to let you know that i’m still thinking of you and praying for you. every day is hard, but when we are supposed to feel all happy inside (like at the holidays), it can be even harder. add to it all the other things that you have lost, and i know life is difficult. you are still in my prayers. may God bless you.

    Reply

  6. nicole
    Dec 23, 2008 @ 00:56:00

    I do hope you are going to be with your family or do something different this christmas.My son got married in September and his father in law died a week later.They are going away for christmas. It is a bit(just a little) hard not to have them whith us on the 25th. But I do understand that they have to do something completely different on the 24th…(In France French people celebrate on the 24 in the evening. )I wish you peace and quiet in your heart… If it is possible. Because just thinking of you brings tears to me! I do not know you but I really feel for you!

    Reply

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s

%d bloggers like this: