Nine Months

Well, here we are: nine months and almost at what would have been “our” first Christmas (married and in our own home) but is now my first Christmas without Steve. I didn’t want to be doing the same things in the same places as last year but without Steve so we’ve left town. Today is also my brother’s birthday. Thankfully, I won’t be seeing him until tonight and so I don’t have to try and be happy all day long if I’m not! I’m also not sitting at my computer posting this–I’m chilling out beach-side on holidays while this is auto-posted.

The last week or two, things have been getting me down but I have been doing better of late. I’ve felt more stable (probably partly due to the fact that I’ve had a six-week long stint of being in the same house in the same town with the same people which is a record for me this year–even before Steve died!) and, as much as I really miss the farm, it has been a good thing for me to move into town.

For the last three months, I’ve been wearing my rings on my other hand. I never planned to do anything about this before the one year anniversary but then it started affecting innocent people. For example, the mechanic who serviced my 4WD asked me my husband’s name for the purposes of my account. The only way he could have come to that assumption was to have seen my rings and I felt terrible to have to dump on him that my husband had died just a few months earlier (trust me, it’s really awkward!). There were other things too and, as much as I hate to have to admit I’m not married anymore (hello, I LOVED being married and especially to Steve!!), it just seemed like the right time and the right decision and surprised even me. At the same time, I’m not above moving them back to the other hand on occasion to avoid being asked if I’m single because I certainly haven’t been eager to lose that ‘protection’! They’re so beautiful and mean a great deal to me so I definitely wasn’t going to stop wearing them altogether, even if I didn’t have to face the issue till next year.

A couple of weeks ago at church, I had some really interesting feedback from a couple of people who hadn’t seen me since I wrote the angry letter to God and felt like I’d come out of a fog. On the same day, I got told: “You’re glowing” and “You look different…you do look like you’ve come out of a fog” and “You look good” and “I think Kristy’s back”. It was really quite strange. Glowing is a word I’ve only ever heard used for somebody pregnant or newly in love or newly married or with a new baby–and most definitely none of those applied to me!! I found that one really “out there” but, as it was said to me as the person dashed out the door, I have yet to follow up on it. I don’t think I’ve looked like that since and I certainly don’t feel like it now but it just went to show that something had changed, even if it was only a glimmer of new life that appeared for a moment before going back into hiding.

The same person who said “I think Kristy’s back” told me a few days later that what she’d really wanted to say at the time was, “Steve’s Kristy is back” and that touched me beyond words. That one made me teary all day. The old Kristy…the glowing Kristy…that IS “Steve’s Kristy” because he is the person who made me what I was then. I’d never felt so loved, so accepted for who I was, so happy in all my life as what Steve made me feel. It’s a slight exaggeration to say that I couldn’t do anything wrong in Steve’s eyes but it’s pretty darn close. He loved my battered heart into wholeness and changed me forever. Everybody should have somebody like Steve. πŸ™‚

It did remind me of what I used to be like and what I haven’t felt like in what seems a very, very long time. Interestingly enough, after I opened up my old blog, one of my most faithful commenters had this to say: I have looked at a little bit of the other blog and I can definitely tell a difference in you. I don’t know you, of course, but your spark is on the other blog and it is gone now. I understand why though. You have been through so much this year and the stress has taken its toll. I hope I didn’t say the wrong thing. More than anything, I pray that you get that spark back. I know that God will see you through all the hurt you have endured and continue to endure. You seem like such a sweet person.

It’s hard to feel ‘normal’ again or enjoy feeling happy, even though it’s not become a way of life again yet. It feels like leaving Steve behind and/or being disloyal to him. I know that’s not rational; it’s just something you work through. I have no choice. Nothing I can do can bring Steve back and I’m forced to either shrivel up and die or create a new life. I’m on this “unwanted journey” and the possessor of an “unfinished life”. Both of those phrases were introduced to me recently and are so relevant. This is most definitely an unwanted journey–I liked the life I had, thankyouverymuch! I didn’t ask for it to change–but it has. As for an “unfinished life”, that’s not to say that my life is over forever now that Steve’s is or that his life was unfinished (as much as it looks unfinished to me, it must look otherwise to God); it refers to the fact that the life I had with Steve will never be finished. It can never be recreated and so the plans and dreams and hopes we had will never come to fruition. Those things are really hard to come to terms with and it doesn’t help it along when you’re somebody who likes loose ends tied up! It’s torture to know that what we had and loved and now have lost can never be reclaimed.

I think that grief has more facets than the world’s largest, most complex gem…

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13 Comments (+add yours?)

  1. TEXAUS MOMMA
    Dec 23, 2008 @ 09:36:00

    Well, girl…I think you are awesome. I am proud of you, and I wanted you to know that I was especially proud to hear that not only was that family Picture taken before a wedding, but that you also conquered a 3 hr. boat ride as well. I am thankful for the Lord’s gift of YOU. πŸ™‚ Keep looking up and pressing on…you’re doing great. lotsa luv from your awesomely, amazingly, greatly, HUMBLE sister…Guess who???chora

    Reply

  2. Stephen and Lorraine
    Dec 23, 2008 @ 10:13:00

    Dear Kristy,A couple of verses to encourage you during this difficult time of Christmas, noting that you continue to be in our thoughts and prayers, the first I have said before, but it is the one that helps me muchly:28 Do you not know? Have you not heard? The LORD is the everlasting God, the Creator of the ends of the earth. He will not grow tired or weary, and his understanding no one can fathom. 29 He gives strength to the weary and increases the power of the weak. 30 Even youths grow tired and weary, and young men stumble and fall; 31 but those who hope in the LORD will renew their strength. They will soar on wings like eagles; they will run and not grow weary, they will walk and not be faint.I had an interesting comment with my Mother last night as it was her 9 month anniversary of her major stroke, she said that she always had to appear happy and OK even when she did not. She found this very hard as people were less interested inhow she really felt as time went on, if news was not so happy. She was glad that God’s compassion was greater than man’s, but wished that ‘man’s’ was a little more tolerant. If getting to grips with a stroke is hard, then your ongoing ups and downs are just as relevant, especially at Christmas. So we can always remember that God provides comfort better than us, 2 Thess 2:16 Now may our Lord Jesus Christ himself and God our Father, who loved us and by grace gave us eternal comfort and good hope.We pray that you feel that comfort at this time.With loveStephen and Lorraine

    Reply

  3. Anonymous
    Dec 23, 2008 @ 11:11:00

    You know, I think you are quite remarkable. I never read your blog without feeling that way. LynnBy the way, did you ever blog about your favorite book of the Bible?

    Reply

  4. Janine (txmomx6)
    Dec 23, 2008 @ 12:56:00

    At one year I can say that I still can’t get over the dreams and plans that we had. And I wonder if my “spark” will ever come back. All I do know is that I have a new “normal”. I don’t think that the “before me” will ever be back. Now it’s the “after me” and it may be different, but it’s me. You are in my prayers, my friend.

    Reply

  5. Kath
    Dec 23, 2008 @ 22:25:00

    all i can say is that you are a hero.i cannot imagine losing my husband, and especially losing him after being married for such a brief time. so hard, and so painful.i know the words sound so useless and you have heard them before, but trust God, and let Him carry it all for you. I know from experience how hard it is to actually do this when you are hurting and in pain over losing someone dear. and then trusting again is incredibly hard.may God richly bless you this Christmas, this first one without your beloved.~ Kath

    Reply

  6. Laura :)
    Dec 23, 2008 @ 22:31:00

    Hello!I hope you are relaxing and enjoying a holiday!I will continue praying for you.Laura πŸ™‚

    Reply

  7. Anonymous
    Dec 24, 2008 @ 13:19:00

    Kristy, I’m thankful and glad to hear you’re doing better, to know that your wounds are healing as time goes by. I’m also thankful for the internet and for your blog, because I can “check on you” every day to see how you’re doing. The Lord is good, Kristy, and He has a plan for you that is beyond your wildest dreams. He IS faithful. By the way, thanks for re-opening your old blog–I’d been hoping you’d do that. I hope you have a good Christmas. Your brother, Jason

    Reply

  8. Anonymous
    Dec 24, 2008 @ 13:58:00

    Hi there. Yes lovely girl you were glowing! I was thiking the kind of glowing that you get when you are filled with the presence of God. The radiance that fills the room when He is doing His good thing in all circumstances. Whether we feel Him or comprehend Him, it matters not, as He was, will be and is here this very moment. He is everything that is good…..look at the sunset, the trees, the smile on a child’s face…..and we will see miracles, and know the radiant glowing presence of God.Love to you today, and this Christmas. Cathy

    Reply

  9. Danielle
    Dec 24, 2008 @ 22:28:00

    You are such a strong woman!!! I tagged you for a blogging award over at mine. πŸ™‚ Merry Christmas!

    Reply

  10. Laura :)
    Dec 25, 2008 @ 08:57:00

    I have had a hard time leaving comments with Blogger for some reason and I can’t remember if I already commented or not….but now that I can……just wanted to say Merry Christmas and I am praying for you. I know it’s hard with Steve in Heaven this year but I am praying for you. Wonder what Christmas Day is like in Heaven? I imagine he’s singing with the angels. One day there will be no more pain!!Laura πŸ™‚

    Reply

  11. Anonymous
    Dec 26, 2008 @ 13:49:00

    Hi Kristy, Someone sent me this poem on my homeschooling blog and I wanted to share it with you. Although it did make me cry, it helped me to think of how my Elgin and your Steve are spending Christmas together with Jesus. Who knows, maybe they even got together and talked about us today. πŸ™‚Josephinehttp://www.homeschoolblogger.com/dixiecajunsMy First Christmas With JesusI see the countless Christmas treesaround the world belowWith tiny lights, like Heaven’s stars,reflecting on the snow.The sight is so spectacular,please wipe away the tearFor I am spending Christmas withJesus Christ this year.I hear the many Christmas songsthat people hold so dearBut the sounds of music can’t comparewith the Christmas choir up here.I have no words to tell you,the joy their voices bring,For it is beyond description,to hear the angels sing.I know how much you miss me,I see the pain inside your heart.But I am not so far away,We really aren’t apart.So be happy for me, dear ones,You know I hold you dear.And be glad I’m spending Christmaswith Jesus Christ this year.I sent you each a special gift,from my heavenly home above.I sent you each a memoryof my undying love.After all, love is a gift more preciousthan pure gold.It was always most importantin the stories Jesus told.Please love and keep each other,as my Father said to do.For I can’t count the blessing or loveHe has for each of you.So have a Merry Christmas andwipe away that tear.Remember, I am spending Christmas withJesus Christ this year

    Reply

  12. Lisa writes...
    Dec 30, 2008 @ 09:31:00

    The Lord will show Himself strong on your behalf! As always, I appreciate your honesty and transparency…

    Reply

  13. Anonymous
    Jan 03, 2009 @ 04:07:00

    I’ve been reading here for quite some time, and just wanted you to know I am thinking about you. I hope that 2009 will begin to be easier on you, and that you will feel God around you, despite everything. He’s still near.BlessingsAlliechristianlovestories.wordpress.com

    Reply

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