A Different Sunday

All week, I’ve been meaning to blog. I’ve had so many blog posts swimming around in my head but it’s just been a bit too hard. I’ve had a fair bit of stuff to think through or work out.

Last Sunday was the first service that I have BOTH sung through and not cried in! I think it’s been a good few months since just being in church would make me cry. However, that started on a new variation when I tried to start singing. I’ve tried to sing in the services I’ve attended since mid-January and not liked it at all. I would either choke up and quit or manage and end up teary…and it certainly wasn’t something I enjoyed trying to do.

Last week, I actually almost enjoyed it. It is definitely the first time that I remember feeling anything at all close to how I used to feel about singing in our church. I felt like I really participated; really sang. As much as I have not wanted to do it and hated the mockery I felt at many songs, I have also missed it. I always loved the worship time at this church. I can’t say that the words of songs don’t bother me any more–they often do. Most often now, I am more able to know that they are truth, even if it doesn’t feel like it, and say them as a choice of faith. Occasionally, there are some that I balk at and eliminate.

Our pastor preached a great sermon last week, too. He and his wife have “journeyed very closely” (as the saying goes around here) with me right from the beginning so the general theme of his message is one that I’ve heard constantly for the past year and would be a good defense for my wrestling with God. However, in part of it, he mentioned that an angel came to strengthen Jesus in the garden of Gethsemane. I was like, “What? No way!” I have read this story a kazillion times and I didn’t remember any angel! Looking down into the verses, though, I found it there in black-and-white. I cannot tell you what a freeing revelation that was for me! If GOD HIMSELF needed an angel to come and strengthen Him, then I have NO GUILT for how I have coped over the past year!!! The other thing that was interesting was a Biblical mention of “exhausted from sorrow” and, let me tell you, truer words were never spoken! There were some good follow-up conversations that came out of this sermon. 🙂

I really felt some sense of peace and freedom and maybe even joy. I was really quite excited to share these things. As is typical of our joy-stealing enemy, though (and a pattern that I’ve started to note), different things happened that pushed this onto the back-burner. So I’m not writing with quite the same fresh sense of “wow” but I wasn’t going to let it go unrecorded!


5 Comments (+add yours?)

  1. Janine (txmomx6)
    Apr 05, 2009 @ 13:03:00

    Great post — I never saw that, either!!!!! Wow!! And WOW! for the “exhaustion from sorrow”! It’s so amazing to me how many times we can read scripture and how many times we can see something different!!Thanks for sharing this ….. I totally needed it today — before I head to church in the a.m.


  2. Melinda
    Apr 05, 2009 @ 15:05:00

    I’m glad you are able to join in with the singing now. I know it has been hard for you. Its wierd how much harder it is to sing compared to talk when you are sad. It’s good to hear that you are finding things in the Bible that are helping you through these times. Love you.


  3. Lisa writes...
    Apr 06, 2009 @ 07:17:49

    May the Lord continue His good work in you…to the praise of His glory…


  4. Jewelz
    Apr 06, 2009 @ 09:53:47

    I’m happy that you’re singing again. I also had never noticed that an angel came to strengthen Jesus in the garden. That is such a huge encouragement!!


  5. regular-reader
    Apr 06, 2009 @ 23:08:23

    I am glad you are able to enjoy church. It sounds like you are healing.Laura 🙂


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