Widow Thoughts: Friendships

(Though not at all what I had in mind here, it begins that category!)

One of the hardest things I’ve had to deal with this year is coming to terms with the loss of friendships. I’m not talking about angry-words-resulting-in-parted-ways. I’m merely talking about friendships that used to be but have just changed; friendships that are different from when Steve was here; friendships that never faced a defining end point but just no longer seem to be.

According to everything I’ve read, this is normal. It happens. There are probably a myriad of documented reasons. Let me tell you, none of them make it any easier to accept or make the loss easier to bear! There’s probably not any relationships that I’ve actually lost this year; it’s just that I’m finally resigning myself to the fact that those that changed last year probably will stay that way. I’m the kind of person that hopes against hope…against hope…against hope. I can’t say that’s always a helpful quality! 😛

Everybody helps out in a tragedy, but I’ve found that the support that lasts comes from those who supported you as an individual (as opposed to a couple) before the event. I wish I knew that before!  I would have had different long-term ‘expectations’. I’m grateful for all the people that helped out in the early days and, don’t get me wrong, in no way do I expect that they should all have deep and meaningful relationships with me now. It just hurts to lose anything connected to/with your husband and/or your life with him. I just have to learn to deal with it, I guess…not an easy process, but probably also part OF the process.

What led to this post being written was actually deep gratefulness. 🙂 I was out to lunch today with two friends: one, somebody who has been a key emotional and spiritual support in this journey; the other, somebody about a year behind me on the journey. The latter was expressing a combination of things such as surprise, appreciation, and admiration that I chose to stay here with “them” (the church here) when it would have been so much easier for me to move back to the life I’d only just left behind. Her comment, along with some thoughts from the other night, got me thinking.

I am unspeakably grateful for the support that I’ve had. I’m doubly so for the friends that still walk the journey with me. As hard as it is to let go of some who used to be around, I am surrounded by a small handful that truly, TRULY deserve medals…

  • the couple that have said all along that they’re here for as long as it takes–and to this day still prove it constantly
  • the guy who takes it upon himself to mow my yard without EVER being asked, whether I’m in or out of town–or even telling me that he’s coming
  • the friend who calls me up just to check that I got home safely when I leave a nighttime function alone
  • the few who listen to me–repeatedly–cry and/or vent over stresses and fears and hurts
  • the guy who so willingly offers his expertise in the technological areas of my life (eg, tv and modems), even to the extent of humouring my obsession with Farmer Wants A Wife by checking that everything is operating correctly before the new season premieres (tomorrow, just for the record!) 🙂
  • my family who bent over backwards to accommodate my paralysing fear of being alone for the first ELEVEN months
  • my pastor and his wife who do an absolutely phenomenal job of their role in ministering to our church
  • etc, etc, etc
I cannot even tell you how much these people mean to me. They are pure gold! The little things are sometimes the biggest things–like this phone call “checking up on” me the other night when I came home to an empty house. These things don’t whisper “We care”–they scream it, because they’re the things people often never think of. These amazing people have taught me a lot and I hope that, as time goes on, my ability to give out in the same way will keep increasing. The world needs more of them. 🙂


5 Comments (+add yours?)

  1. Susanna
    Aug 03, 2009 @ 03:31:05

    Blessed blessed friendships- aren’t they a wonderful extension of God’s love to us here on earth- like the human version of His arm reaching out to us in the physical way (if that doesn’t sound irreverant!)
    Although my experience is nothing like yours, I too find it hard not to hope that certain friendships will be re-kindled- although they are not, and it grieves me. But then, unexpectedly, you find new ones around the corner. Oh, and you have no idea how glad it makes me that someone treading a similar journey to you has you around- you are being that friend to them 🙂


  2. Tootie
    Aug 03, 2009 @ 04:24:00

    I’m soo glad to hear that you have some wonderful, caring people in your life that are looking out for you!


  3. Lucy (mom to txmomx6)
    Aug 03, 2009 @ 08:23:24

    I am so glad you have such wonderful friends you know you can depend on. Watching my daughter go through the exact same thing, I know how important it is. Those that fall by the wayside are very unfortunate, but being able to reconcile to the reality of the situation is very helpful to your healing. You are in my prayers.


  4. Chel
    Aug 04, 2009 @ 10:23:31

    You are so lucky, Kristy! God has blessed you so greatly with the amazing people around you–your family, friends and other loved ones. It’s so great that there is a bunch of people around you that care so much 🙂
    Love you lots!!


  5. Sarah
    Aug 13, 2009 @ 16:43:17

    I love you lots! Have a good weekend xx


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