He’s Up to Something – Part Two

(Read Part One here)

And the farther on I go / I’ve seen enough to know / That I’m, not here for nothing

Things like this post and all the e-mails that I have gotten (and still continue to get) through my blog from people who I’ve helped by my writing encourage me that I’m not here for nothing. In the middle of excruciating pain, that’s actually not really much encouragement–you know, I just wanted my husband back. When you get to the other side of that agony and life starts to take on a new rhythm, though, it brings some meaning to the loss to know that what you’ve been through can help somebody else.

He’s up to something

Now this…this is the hardest part to start putting into words…

When I was in America, I was trying to use the weeks away to get some dig-in-deep reading done and so I’d really been making an effort to get back to my journey of wrestling with God in a more dedicated way. There was one afternoon where I was laying on my bed, reading or thinking or both, and just started crying and praying. At the time, I couldn’t really have even told you why I was crying. Now, I can’t really even tell you what I was praying. For some strange reason, I never wrote anything in my journal. I wish I had. All I really know is that there was some sense of surrender in it.

For the next month or so, there was way too much going on for me to give much thought to anything else. Early in January, I was facing a crossroad of choice and started praying for wisdom. I knew that I really needed to be picking up my Bible and be reading if I wanted to be able to hear anything, but I hadn’t been very successful in my attempts at reinstating that discipline. I did start to feel some sense of direction and peace in the decision.

Toward the end of January, God used a friend (who didn’t even realise) to spark something in me as far as my relationship with God. I jumped into my Bible reading with a hugely renewed interest and haven’t looked back. The spark was a reason and a purpose–I had something I wanted to look into and learn about. It also sparked heaps of great discussion with my house-mate who “just happened” to be living with me at the right time (it’s a temporary arrangement).

Really, I think it’s a bit of the old snowball effect. Once the ball starts rolling, it collects more and picks up speed. I feel so different. I don’t think I’ve done a very good job of putting it into words still, though. I attempted to share with one of my good friends yesterday in an online conversation and ended up keeping it because I thought it might help me out here. 🙂 I’ve edited out their part of the conversation.

i totally, totally understand. it’s exactly where i was particularly at the beginning of january. and why i started praying about what to do. i was pretty low. well, seeing as i’m actually starting to pray again these days, i’ll be praying for you too. and it is what i’m talking about with startling results. i never in a million years expected things to snowball the way they have [story coming]. i’m shaking my head in disbelief. i didn’t have anywhere i particularly wanted to be and multiple places i could be along with different options and commitments and risks. and contrary to what i’ve been like for the past two years, i have been amazingly at peace in the middle of all this open-ended business which is all currently converging in a hurry. peace is something i haven’t seen for a long time. anxiety characterises my life when it’s in upheaval...

something phenomenal’s been happening in me too. 😛 but that’s a lot harder to put into words. …i’ve been working on it in my blog. it’s hard. it’s something that was sparked and has just taken off. i guess it’s timing…all the past two years of searching have been so very necessary…and all of a sudden, something’s been triggered. God really has used [another friend] in part of that–apart from anything they’ve tried to do–but it’s by no means just that…there’s all these threads. threads that i never could have coordinated myself. it’s having a lot of ripple-on effects.